Uni Life

It was my last lecture class in my undergraduate study. When it is over and the lecturer told us that there's no class tomorrow, I know that everything has come to an end. And I shall ready to put a full stop on my degree life very soon. 

I took some picture with my friends. How I wish the camera can capture all the previous moments I had with the friends around. 

I was quite rebellion and avoiding in socialising once in the past. But this bunch of people I met changed my perspectives towards friendship and socialising. I become more open, and I enjoy chit chatting with them inside and outside the class. I've never thought that I'll love this, but in fact, my emotions and inner voice told me that I enjoy being with them. 

Other than academic related, interacting and understanding people are the biggest lesson I've learnt in three years time. My viewpoints have been extended, and become wider as I meet more and more people in my life. As people said, no much people come to your life and stay forever with you, but everyone appears in your life would give you a lesson before he or she leaves. This is so true. 

I met people who inspired me; I also met people who ruined my plans. I've been hating those people who pushed me down and been criticising me at my back. But I recognised that it was part of my growing life, and it was probably my own perceptions and judgments. Perhaps, there's no one trying to push me down nor talking my bad at the back. Even if yes, it is no longer important. 

Once you've released your stresses and the feeling of dislike, you are free. Although it's hard. Life is always full of challenges. But we shall practice not pushing ourselves too hard and holding on so much that we can't handle. 

Thank you, to those who inspired me throughout the journey. 

Ended

I think I'll miss the people I met here so badly after I officially completed my study here. 

3 years of degree life. Just a blink of eyes. 

Ended. Here.

How would the future look like?

A slice of bread

When you feel hungry at night, 

And trying to grab something to fill the stomach,

Then you saw a loaf of bread on the table.

Here you grab it,

And eat it.

A slice of white bread. 

Then, continue to do work.

It was my little boy's favourite last time. He will do any trick, including sit, shake hand, stand up, go home, out, come and stay, whenever I said: "Rocky, eat roti."

When I mentioned about how smart he was, in terms of following the instructions given, I remembered I used to "dance" with him. It has been a long time since the last dance.

夜深人静时  可有人听见我在哭

灯火阑珊出  可有人看见我跳舞

能不能再为你跳一支舞

我是你千百年放生的白狐

•

能不能再为我跳一支舞

只为你永别时的那一次回眸

-今生今世却只能虚度-

The third week you left me

Able to manage my emotions better

But I do really miss you

That my tears drop again

Infinity

When somebody is so important to you, you will easily associate the person with the quote you've seen anywhere. 

Especially when the person is not around, and he will never come back anymore. Because he has gone to the heaven of God. 

But the second quotation shown above is so true. No time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart, if the two person are meant for each other, and if the two person are so important to each other.

Just like me and you, even if you've gone, but you always live in my heart. The best companion I have in these 7 years. My dear, love you. Thank you.

I truly believe that you're living good in another world. Or perhaps, you're starting your new life all over again. No matter how, you're in my heart. and I will miss you quite some times. Despite of the happening, we shall move on. Be brave and not afraid. Because we are always living together in each heart.

Rocky. Again.

十一月一

十一月一号对我来说是个非常有意义的日子 -

一年前，我和你暂时告别，正式踏上新的旅程。

事后我都不时地想起你。每当我面对一些心烦的事情都会想要和你分享。即便不心烦，只要有新的想法和思绪，我都会迫不及待告诉你。因为我总是想在你心里塑造一个努力成长的孩子。

我很感谢那年里你给了我无限的unconditional positive regards、认同、接纳、聆听、分享、关心和怀抱。让我告诉你，你的时间和眼泪没有白流。因为它们都化成了小小种子，在我心里丰盛的土地上发芽成长。

我很珍惜这段你让我成长，暂定陪我成长的旅途。即便跌跌撞撞，哭成人泪，最后还是站稳了脚跟，踏实地一步一步走。

虽然当中还会走得有点煎熬，偶尔气喘如牛。虽然人生的路途总有跌跌撞撞，任凭他有多么不测，那其实都在给我机会去闯，给我机会学习，给我机会成长，给我机会，再次想起自己其实没有那么糟。
记得好几次的冲击让我不禁地哭着找你，但你依旧冷静地先听我说，再激励我。但我还是秉着要做一个更好的自己这个宗旨，咬紧牙关地步步前行。因为那是我对你的答应，因为那是我对自己的承诺，更因为那是我自己的方向。

感谢我拥有的勇气，感恩成长的机会。我会前行，会为错误进行改变。

一年里，我都希望着有哪天可以很巧的与你碰面。因为我总是有着很多说不完的故事想与你分享。但我知道，其实我需要的，是抒发自己的想法、感受。那是为什么我如此热爱文字的原因之一。只有声音和文字可以让我好好的做我自己。

虽然有好几次，我们很巧妙地碰见。当时遇见你，我都愣了。是因为太开心。我不晓得该对你说些什么，只知道，我还是很习惯地像以前那样称呼你。我很骄傲地告诉你我快乐的事，是因为我想把当时拥有的成就献给你。是你，让我爱上成长这堂课；是你，让我发现自己其实很热爱这门学术。

我忽然想念当时你在我身后连名带姓地叫着我的名字；我忽然想起当时紧紧跟在你身后想要吓你却被你早一步发现我的早晨。

那天我们几乎擦肩而过。但我的脚步自然地退后，左手很自然的轻拍你的肩膀。只因为想让你看见，当时你看的陈美青还有过得很好很好。我们未来得及说话聊天，但我们互相挥手和对对方微笑的动作足以让我肯定说，我们彼此都过得还不错。结果那天我就莫名的开心了一整天。

其实每次看见你，我都很快乐，很欣慰。因为看见你，就像看见了以后的自己。

一年后的今天，很奇妙地，我梦见了你。还是一样，很仰慕你，敬佩你。只因为你是我的天使姐姐。只因为你是我让我更清楚知道，陈美青是一个这样的自己。

一年前的今天，说好要好好前行，努力改变，不再明知故犯。但其实事后还是会relapse，是因为我明知故犯。一年了，够了吗？够了。

我不但想要述说姐姐陪我走过的日子对我来说有多大的意义。我更想把这一天的意义献给在天堂的Rocky。是他让我再次唤醒我心中的明智和双眼。他离开后，我就知道，我应该更在乎的是身边都爱我，珍惜我，真心对我好的人。我不想再明知故犯了。虽然这是以前已经明白的道理，但却要到今时今日，Rocky离开了我之后，才铁下心来，不再重犯。

这个步伐让我更靠近更好的自己。只是这个代价，实在太大。太大。

谢谢这两个人来到我生命里

给我鼓励

给我勇气

给我更雪亮的眼睛和清澈的心灵

让我能做好我自己

姐姐

还有

Rocky

One week, still can't stop to call out your name.

It has been a week since he left me. I can't stop to call out his name. Everytime when I close my eyes, I can vividly visualise the day, when I came home and got the shocking news. I looked at him, lying down and remained unmoved. His body was still warm. I got down on my knee and I hugged him, lied on his body, as closest as I could. I didn't want to let go, because I know it will be forever gone after I let go. I called out his name, saying, "Rocky, good boy. Rocky.", repeatedly.

Until now, how I wish I could see him. Whether it is in dreams, or illusions. I could hug the air, and pat on the air, like how I hugged him the other day. 

No. I'm not sick. I'm just missing him. And going through the grief.

I know it is very hard to understand the deep saddest lie in my heart. Especially to those who had never have a dog as pet. But thank you, my peers. I've received some comforting messages. I replied in very short sentence. Perhaps just a thank you. But I do received your kindness and caring. Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. I just don't know how to respond to this, but I'm doing alright. Yes, I'm alright. *bow*

----

一个星期已经过去… 回忆起当时的情节，眼角还是不经意地掉下眼泪。

那时候，我看着他，躺在地上一动也不动。我抚摸着他，叫着他的名字。我心里想着，我该怎么妥善的面对这个离别。我想着，家人会如何面对这件事；我在想，Rocky临走前他在想什么。我有太多思绪不断在我脑海里碰击。太多，太多。

结果我自然跪下，抱着他，开始什么都不想，只感受那还炙热的体温，抚摸着他，不断呼叫他的名字。那动作让我感觉暖暖的。我努力把自己贴近他的身体，感受和他最靠近的距离。任凭爸爸说着“不用尽，Rocky去找他的好朋友了～” ，我还是呼唤着他的名字，抚摸他，抱着他，不放手。不让爸爸处理他的身体。我什么都不听，只希望可以听见他的心跳。

我不放手，是因为我知道这一次一放手，那就是永远。

事后我不断地强调，没有任何人（狗），可以取代Rocky在我心中的位置。他是一个最棒的狗儿,最好的伙伴，最听话的孩子。或许我太害怕，害怕他觉得走了之后，没有人记起他，想念他，怀念他。

这一刻我多想赖着说我什么都不要，只想要回我的Rocky。像电视剧里的情节一样，哭赖着。只可惜，这不是连戏剧。

闭上眼睛那刻都可以想起当时的画面，那个倒下就起不了身的影子。

我的双脚软弱，

到底死亡来临前，我可以为你做什么？

我多想可以再呼叫你的名字

看着你的眼睛

和那俏皮的动作

你知道吗

我

每次都想呼喊你的名字

Rocky.

It is raining heavily outside. It has been a hot and hazy day.

It makes me think of, it is you, Rocky?
Why is it raining?

If it were you,

How're you, Rocky?
It's fine, Rocky.
If you find that you want to cry, by all means. Because I'm also crying, because of you.
I understand that you are probably missing us. You're probably worrying about us.
Rocky, it's ok and fine. I'm missing you, and worrying about you too.
But Rocky, can you promise me?
Go to the right way that you should go. Let the god, or your peers to guide you, and live happily there. Make sure you're enjoying your life, and doing things that you like. You've done your job here. Really. I'm not sure how's the life after death, I'm not sure if you're still here, or you'll be going through the reincarnation process. Either ways is alright. I just want you to live freely and happily, my little boy.
I promise you, I'll take good care of myself and become more independent. Of course, I will also miss you sometimes. We have our own job and responsibility to be completed in life, you're just finishing much earlier than me. See, you're brilliant.

Go, Rocky. You'll be in my heart. Always.

Cry, Rocky, cry. After the storm, there will be rainbow.
Cry, Jacquelyn, cry. After the storm, there will be rainbow.