手表

其实我很喜欢手表，而且每次都需要带着它。但对于手表的设计，我却没有很在乎。我喜欢的是它的本质，内涵，带给我的影响，而不是它的外表。或许外表会占据了很多分，但只要秒时分针可以自动，有着1到12的号码，都会吸引我的目光。

有人说，习惯带手表的人通常对时间的观念很强。但对我而言，我真的不敢高攀自己是个珍惜光阴，可以妥善的安排时间，把每一刻用尽的人。

因为偶尔我会很懒惰，心情不好的时候会泄气，无法自拔的时候会放肆地蹉跎岁月… 

而且很多时候，我还是无法把时间拿捏得准确。我还是会迟到，甚至为迟到找借口。

但我的确很爱手表… 一天没有带上它我会觉得很不自在… 只要一出门，踏出屋子，我就必须要有个手表套在我右手。要不然我会觉得很不自在。

我迷恋带手表的程度可以到达连睡觉都可以带着它… 只要带着手表其实我就会很安心。或许我没能可以很准确地猜测时间，所以我需要靠着手表不时告诉我时分。

又或许我迷恋着它，因为带着它就像有个东西套着我的手腕，不时告诉我，时间的重要性。它套着我，就像一个牵引着我的高人，带我走向更遥远的未来。一个，永远不会停止的未来。

#迟到的张贴

19/7/2014

是，一路以来，我都离不开手表。

#previous post - Faith

"I've faith on you!"  --- Her index finger pointed at me and said so.

I was explaining and reorganizing my thoughts into words and voice. I see you paying attention on what am I talking. 

I think that you're a person who will be touched by words easily. I bet you will be laughing, or maybe touched when you read the words. But I would like to leave it in the end, like you say, you would rather take my words to you later and not now. 

Know what, I'm touched when I heard the sentence from you. I feel the pride. I always think that I'm not good enough, but your words always give me energy and motivate me to move on. I believe that your kind words will eventually assist me in the becoming a better person pathway in my journey.


#previous post
It has been a while since I mentioned about you here. The first thing that I would like to say to you is Thank You! and probably, I miss you! =D You've been helping me a lot in the past few years. Truly, you're my angel.

I'm so grateful to get the similar phrase from another important person throughout my undergraduates life. It's relatively two years apart, from two person whom I respect. Thank you. ;)

It means a lot to me.

有些时候，有些事情

有些时候，一些事情，

不知道比知道好

因为有些时候，有些事情

不知道的打击和创伤会比知道了来得小

#迟到的张贴

一年前的心情。

最近，我还是有这样的领悟。只是我更清楚知道，我曾这么说，其实只是因为我害怕前进。而我，在防卫着自己在感受难过和悲痛。那是需要时间修补的伤痕。

但事实上，这门课，我已经上了好久。让我毕业奔驰吧！

即便退缩，我也会征服。因为一切并没有自己想象地那么可怕。我已经有能够安抚自己，放生自己的能力。

要不然，姐姐的课，就白上了！一年，还是想姐姐。 <3 p="">

#迟到的张贴
这个张贴有点奇怪，当我打开时，只有这个影片，却没有写下任何字。我花了几分钟想想当时放下这影片的原因和心情。


我想我唱过给你听~

不，我记得我唱过给你听。
也记得你的回复。
我记得，都记得。


是我记性太好？还是hippocampus长得比较大？=/
对于一些生命的细节和片段，总是历历在目。就像我现在翻起之前未张贴的帖子时，我可以回想起当时状况和心情。还不由自主地联想起其他事。啊，是个associate link… =P

位子

话说，老师很爽快地让我换位，坐在这个特殊位子，感觉好幸福～ 为什么特殊？因为没有一个人与我坐在同一行。=D

I've been directed to sit on the last row corner seat of the exam hall. To be mention, there's no one sitting on the same row as me because it's not allowed. 

Sitting at the corner allowed me to observe every candidates in the two open exam halls. It's so cool. It makes me feel special and happy because I was sitting alone at the last row, which is initially not available. Hahaha!! 

—回顾考试让我好高兴—

—因为我好喜欢那个特别的位子—

#迟到的张贴
接下来的几个月或是几年都不会再有学术上的考试。我想我应该不会想念考试。但它的确让我有很多可以分享的故事。

原来我曾经是真的因为考试而快乐。就只是换个座位，坐在别人不被允许坐的位子上。我就可以开心那么久。是，现在想起，我还是很开心。

#迟到的张贴 - 等

“没有人的周六下午

听着外面大雨洒落满地的声音

他在等人”

#迟到的张贴

2014年的某月某日，我独自一人，搭巴士到这个地方。当时那一回去学校的周末，让我回忆起太多太多。但同时却又不知道自己在想些什么。

一年后我还记得那时候的情景。我记得那天的日子，记得那天的天气。

若要我再走回去这个地方，我想我不会。

那是因为我害怕。

#迟到的张贴 - 溜

我会

我会爱上这个地方

这个舞台

事实上

我已经爱上它

我想我找到了一个让我抒发情绪和压力的方法。一个可以让我不费太大力气去奔驰，享受迎来的冷风，任我翱翔的地方。如果姐姐再次问我如何处理压力，哭了之后怎么收拾情绪，这次我会答，这里。=) 

我不是害怕跌倒。失衡往后跌的确很痛。但那不至于。我怕的，是跌倒爬起来后，我会看不见。

-----

有一天，我可以自己去玩，自己去放松心情。即使我跌倒晕去，我可以相信那里会有人救我。有一天，我会不怕跌倒，即使我跌倒，我不会晕而看不见；有一天，我会不跌倒，即便我跌倒，我会让自己倒下去。

我期盼有一天，我会溜花式；在此舞台放空流浪。因为每次在这里，我都会不由自主地绽放笑容。我愿意让冷风亲近自己，让它迎面而来，愿意让冷风围绕我，那种感觉似乎能让自己变得更强悍。让心中溶缺成水的围墙，再次结成冰块，形成冰山，不再如此容易倒塌。

忽然在这溜冰的过程和经历中，我发现，很多时候想要进攻一道围墙，无论背后的目的在于更加亲近他人或事侵袭他人家园，都必须越过层层稀薄的云雾，需要无数的勇气的耐力，经历跌倒受伤甚至丧失视力的前进。可惜的是，那个再也不是正真的自己。说到更明一点的是，不断追求心里的渴望所展现的勇气与耐力是值得被鼓励的；但即使是超越自己能力好几百倍的“渴望”却依然麻木地追求，那不是“渴望”，是苛求，因为到最后，不但会跌得整身伤痛，也伤逝了视力，丢失了原来的自己。

原来，害怕，失衡，跌倒，疼痛，头晕，最后看不见；是因为自己已经渐渐地失去自己。

#迟到的张贴

27/5/2015

七个月之后，我还是很爱冷冰冰的空间，穿着一不小心就失去平衡的溜冰鞋，和在场上无人干扰我的时刻。

不晓得自己之前哪来那么多的”思绪“。是reflect太多？还是自己想太多？

我开始发现，回顾以往的帖子，我会不明白自己在写什么… >.<

#迟到的张贴 - 愤怒篇

我碰见了一些人，一些让我五味参杂的人。不晓得该如何诉说，但我发现，在这土地上，人民的素质差异实在很大。

你知道吗？

一些你觉得应该要有的必需品，对他人来说或许是个奢侈品。

在你不断追求所谓对你来说很重要的人事物的时候，他人却努力追求着下一秒生命的存活。

是，我是在说你。

生命的边界极端太大。我们看的总不够透彻。

如果你可经历他们的生活，你或许不可能像你现在如好地活到今天。

如果你再用心聆听他们的生命，你或许会觉得现在所追求的喜爱其实是一种迷茫。

若现在的你觉得某事某人某物很重要，不管旁人对你说着千几百万次让你放手、不要追求物质的享受的理由和道理，你是不会这样随风斩手的。别说你目前所追求的喜爱，对未来画下的目标和志愿，因为你不会知道，在他人的生命里，在土地上另一端的人们却早已意识到，其实他们连下一秒，都不知道会发生什么事。何谈追求喜爱、目标和志愿？

你不会知道你剥削了他人多少的汗水与泪水。因为在你眼里，你看到的，还是那个你想要得到，而且你觉得你可以，你应该得到的东西。因为你已经在意识中自我灌输着那些让你感觉自我良好和舒服的话语。

可不可以在你想要追求任何梦想的时候，想一想你自己的自私。当你口口声声说喜爱的时候，会不会几个月后玩腻了？因为你也说过，让一切顺其自然，若得，即是礼；若不得，便是命。

姑且你得不到但你却说着，“你还是要”，的笑话。多讽刺。多讽刺。

#迟到的张贴
在这旧帖子里，我看见很愤怒的自己。
是为一些事情打抱不平，又同时讽刺着自己，吗？
2015年还有一天，放过它吧。

安静

“有一种爱

叫静静地⋯ 

=) 

如果你看见

可不可以帮我传达给他知道

这是一份，我给予他的，静静地爱

--虽然我的名字不叫静静 

LoL!

SO SALAH --

其实你知不知道这一份静静的爱？”

写于12/9/2015

（终于比较聪明地会track back自己什么时候写的）

#迟到的张贴

原来几个月前的我，就会用静静这个词。

话说，这几天离开了KL到处走走，我说过最多的词句里，应该也包括“静静”。

但我说的是，“你静静”。

到最后，几个朋友破口大说，你的女儿就叫“李静静”！

。。。

ok, 

可以不要吗？

#绝对不可能

#迟到的张贴

“有一个朋友，他很拽的告诉我

我就是有本事

当我不喜欢的时候，我大可以选择离开

当我不爽的时候，我大可以走开

不伪装

不怠惰

不拖泥

说了就做，说到做到

不像他人，说离开，说不想，不喜欢，却迟迟还没逃脱

没有什么不舍得，没有什么怕后悔，也没有什么不安全

很多人这样，这都是自己给的借口

我说，我做

所以最后我要离开了你很想念我

我想说，

这有够王八蛋的

-.-

虽然对象不是我

但是

可不可以不要那么我拽来zat人家

想把你像蚊子那样

再吵

一把给你”

#迟到的张贴
现在才发现，原来我没张贴这帖子。突然想起这个朋友，嘴角不自禁地往上扬。
因为我在想，或许我也曾经说话也那么“拽”。
啊，真好笑。都是小孩的时候…
忘了吧？

看见以前有过这样“拽”的模样时会不自禁地笑自己，
我希望自己已经长大了。

是我太敏感吗？

怎么突然觉得很假？

很假的问好

很假的聊天

很假的预约

很假的关心

让我觉得你不是什么

是想在我身上挖清一些什么

要么我宁可我不知道有些事情

要么我宁愿不曾如此交心谈天

要么我情愿当你是个普通朋友

但我知道，你很好

#迟到的张贴
又是一篇未张贴的帖子。
嗯，原本应该
致一些其实关心我，但却因为你和我防备的人在一起，所以我无形中也疏远了你的朋友们。
因为我发现，我已经渐渐地离开…

虽然现在已经没有当时那么强的想法和感受，但
坦白，却是2015结束前决定做的事。

左手边

曾经，想说把身边的这个位子留给你

*叹气* 

你却从没出席我的喜怒哀乐

这一趟回来，你还好吗？

这一趟一走，我还会不会回来？ 

啊，前一阵子还会写着这样的文字。自己读了都感觉有自己有点在莫名难过。

突然，我想，

“原来我没有回来过，原来我不敢回来

原来我也没有走过，因为我不敢走。”

我知道世界很大，总是需要去闯一闯。

2015剩下一天。未来，我该如何定位？

Don't

I can be social withdrawal from you. Not because of the sign of depression. Just because of our communication channels and frequencies are so different.

I don't see the point being so friend, acting and trying to be close to you. =.= 

Don't you feel tired when you tried to be good and nice to everyone? You don't need to do so. 

Some people will never know you and never try to understand you if they have the bias schema and stereotype thinking on you. 

You don't need to be good to everyone to gain the sense of acceptance. 

There're many reasons of rejection when people never consider you. There're many act of acceptance, but you can only feel and see the sense of true acceptance from one's actions toward you. 

You don't need to try so hard treating people so nicely like showing so much unconditional positive regard when you don't even try to appreciate yourself.

When you're trying to help others, and think that those people deserve your help, think, internally, have you first help yourself by solving issue closely related, like family and your future. 

- You can be good and nice to people around you; but you don't need to force yourself loving everybody. You can be truthful to yourself; but at first you need to accept yourself as who you are. -

isn't

#previous post
I think I must be in a very bad mood while writing the passage. Alright, it should have been published on 30th of September. I'm not sure why it is in my draft file, and I just found out.

Words to myself (from a third party perspectives) at this moment when I read back:
It's alright. I see you feeling frustrated when you were writing that. You must had been holding the feelings for quite some times, and you were trying to express it in words.
It's alright. You're definitely feeling better right now, and you're enjoying who you're today.

Constantly looking forward. Let's go. 

12500

Study aboard.

£12,500.00

想掂？

*Merry Christmas*

未来会怎样
会遇见怎样的人
什么样的情况
多少挑战
怎么样成长

太多未知数

2015还有5天结束
我们会不会说再见
我们又会不会再见

Letter from

Receiving reply from someone whom I admire and love the most is always a grateful thing for me. 

I'm so touched by the words written in the email. 

I was tearing up with a mixed feelings while reading the text. Thanks for the encouraging and kind words. At the moment, I have a strong urge to strive for a better self. 

I remember that a smiley face from someone means a lot to me. I was overly happy when I received the smiley face from the person. My mood immediately became more cheerful at the moment. I was too naive back to be satisfied and grateful about life so easily.
It wasn't a bad issue though. I do enjoy the self where I'm grateful for every little moment happens in my life. I believe that these memories will never bring the same feelings or similar thoughts as I experienced if these incidents were to experience by other people. So it comes to understand that why some people might not understand when I get so excited over subtle things.

Seem like this mail can be a beautiful closing for my undergraduates life in 2015. In line with the ending of 2015, I should put a full stop on my degree life journey. But the continuous growth and improvement of the self will never end. 

Ending a part of the life journey indicates that next challenging journey is coming very soon.
People say, "Life was never meant to be easy."
But

There're always good days in life.
Just like receiving mail from someone surprisingly. With much encouraging words and meaningful texts. It is the most valuable Christmas present I have ever received in 2015.

I shall not stop here.
After the break. I'm going to move forward.
Nobody will know where I go, neither me.
But I shall figure out my direction very soon.

··I'll go far, and do great things.··

"Life is not meant to be easy, my child;

but take courage;
It can be delightful"

 ----------------------George Bernard Shaw

血

-请停止流血-

这是我之前拍下的照片。是的，看着那血迹，实在有点不安和干扰。如果你看到这而感到反胃或不舒服，请你停止看。 it's ok. 

我想，一直没有人发现我曾有不断流血的时候。

或许心理上的摧毁会间接中影响身体的运作。那时候不断心灵脆弱，我的身体也一样不好受。

记得好几次鼻子出血，几乎洒满了纸巾。那时是在上课的时候，我根本没发现。直到朋友问我怎么又流血了。是，“又”流血了。

还有同学很细心，她发现我总是盖着鼻子好久，忍不住问我怎么似乎天天都看我有流不完的血。

我也在想，或许没人知道，我的头，也曾经一直流血。有时会不小心让我挖伤了伤口，又流，愈合，再不经意的碰触挖到，又流，又挖，又流… 这个循环的次数已经多到连我自己都数不清。

但这样的伤从还被人发现。所以不管是表面上的伤和血，还是心灵上的伤和痛，我想，我一直都往自己扛。

从没想过分享，是因为没有对象

不、应该说，我太挑剔于选择我觉得对的对象。

这次诉说，其实也不为什么。反正这个post应该早已publish。事实上，我只想自我看看以前，曾经和受伤的自己。

心疼吗？

疼。

但又能怎样？

我想我曾经有诉说的对象，但都不在。又或者，我把一些都距离千尺。真抱歉了一些真正关心我的朋友们。

如今看看，

那个伤痕，似乎依旧没有办法磨灭。又或者，偶尔隐隐作痛。或许对我而言还炽热，也或者再也没有关系。像已learned helplessness的状态一样，不断自问，“又怎样”。

伤，依旧在

但

等待痊愈的人呢？

我很少真的诠释自己的无奈和悲伤。通常会用个很婉转，却可以理解或明白的词句演绎出我的不安与难过。同样的，我也未能用言语来讲述个个内心的故事。

但我知道，有些很有心的人还是看的懂我，感受到我无形中散发的一种压迫感。

这样幸福的生活，我还欲求什么？

我很感谢。

但始终有人还不明白；但始终有人从未发现

…

一些事

…把想留的留在这个年度…

不想留的都带走

•我要带走那个更好的自己•

Thank you • 感谢

•~ 有种感激，应该勇敢说出口 ~•

对于一些人，我总是显得非常羞涩，没有办法自如表达自己内心的话。很想靠近，却又害怕。对于这些人，他们都有一个共同点，就是衷心让我很想感激的人。

有时我很感谢一些结束的代表，如，十二月的到来。这让我有种莫名的胆量，做出一些我不太敢做，不合我风格的一些事。就像好好地感激一些我很爱，却不敢靠近的人。向他们诉说他们对我而言有多么的重要。

事实上，这些人对我的好都是可遇不可求的。或者对他们而言，对我做的事只是一些再平凡不过的小事，甚至是一些微不足道的事；但他们做的事，分分钟却是对我无比重大的认可和承认。

很感谢我身边有着这一些看似平凡却在我心中有重量的人物。因为你们，陈美青过得更好。

感谢十二月的到来，渐渐地结束了2015的日子，让我有股冲动，说出迟迟不敢说出口的感激。

冲动来了，就要好好把握。把心中的感激，勇敢的说出口。不留道谢的遗憾。

I always hesitate to do something I wished to do. For instance, showing my gratitude towards someone I loved or admired. I guess it's because I care too much about how would they see me after every of my actions. 

Coming to an end always give me a strength of braveness. I challenge myself to do something which I'm unlikely to do, but always wish to do. 

Throwing away the worries and anxieties, I do what I wish to do without much considerations about how people look at me. I just wanted to express my gratitude towards some of the important person at this stage of life. Some people might feel pointless; some people might think that I'm weird to show so much gratitude to someone who didn't do much things to me. 

In fact, nobody knows how much it is for me. It might be very subtle things from others' perspective, but no one knows how much value it is for me. 

Doing things that I like, bravely. Before 2015 ends.  

•—如果你做每一件事情我都需要去猜测和判断更深一层的意思，那么我会很累 —•

朋友很关心我，但我总是摆出一种拒人千里之外的态度。搞得彼此之间的关系没有办法升温，没有更能进一步的促进关系，反倒会疏远。

老朋友总是说着，“你把太多东西收在心里。你那副模样让我不晓得该不该开口问。我在立场，如果你想说，你会说；但其实你是不是在等我问？”

有时候身边的人不是漠不关心，而是猜想太多，迟迟不懂怎么行动。一个需要猜测的关系，很难搞懂。不是真正有心人，这样的关系，早已破裂…

我需要开始接受，其实说出口后的结果，没有想象中摧残。认定了对的人，应该说说心中的话。

“说出口，让我自己更快乐…”，他说。

成就

很不要脸地放了自己的照片

还用了有点cacat（残缺）的华语写标题

是的

时间久了

更让我发现

所有功名背后，都有长年累月的奋斗和坚持

成就，说穿了就是努力和付出累计而成的

会写这段话，是因为当时的我深深感觉到，自己的怠惰和失去动力，让我感觉一身空。一身，想有满足和自豪，但却无奈感受空虚感。只因为，我知道自己不够努力。

深呼吸…

让我以更好的心态面对考试。

即使残缺，但，我从残缺中圆满。

Planners

Here are the planners that I've been using in this 3 years. Tons of papers, notes, and books. My mind was recalling the memories and salient moments I had in these years when I was cleaning up my study table and book-shelf. It means a lot to me. 

Most of the time, I would try to keep many things with me as possible. Even though it has no much value or has been broken, I'll try not to throw it away. That's why the planner in year 2013 can be captured with the year 2015 planner. I do clean up, but mostly, I'm reluctant to throw away the old and broken objects that I keep inside my shelf. Or perhaps, I might not touch it, will never realise its existence until the day I do the clean up and saw it there. Physically, it might not have much value, but I'll still insist to keep it. The reason is simple, it means something to me. It is far away from it's functions, but the memories I had with the objects. For instance, the planners. 

I could think about the cheerful moments and the hard time I had in academic. The single words and notes that I marked down on the calendar reminded me of the important events and those remarkable memories. Throwing anyone of them is like deleting the memorable moments I had in the past. Though some hard time and down moments should be avoided to prevent myself from feeling the sadness and depressed, but after some times, the hardship has transformed to a in-depth and meaningful insights to me. That's the value I see from these subtle objects in my life. 

If you ask me why do it still keeping things that no longer serve as a functional object, I would say, they mean more than just the functions. They are the retrieval cues of my old times memories, and prevent me from getting amnesia. It might be spatially occupied, but I would like my memories been occupied with the ups and down than being empty. 

* Perhaps this also explain why I hardly let go something in life. 

I'm disappointed in you. I thought you've made up your mind and look forward for better and clear direction, but you're not. You're still begging and relying on the back time string, which will never help you in improving. 

Maybe I overly look up on you; I might set high expectation from you. That's why I feel disappointed now. I shall not expect too high? Perhaps. But not really. 

Anyway, it is one side that I see from you. There might be other sides of you that I haven been explored. It's fine. It's far way to make a final conclusion. But I wouldn't make efforts on exploring other sides of you. 

Although it's disappointing, but it's ok. Maybe it's no longer an issue. 

人总是很奇怪。不，应该说，我对于自己的兴趣喜好，很奇怪。

怎么说？

明明自己对本科有兴趣，但却在温习功课时想要画画看小说；明明假期无需赶功课，可以早点睡觉休息，偏偏拖三拉四地到凌晨还清醒；明明喜欢学术做研究探讨脑袋思绪，但在看课本和笔记的时候感觉很耗力而感到疲惫。

怎么总是“明明就… 但却… ” 是我不够爱吗？还是，我本来就没有很爱学术这一块？

不。

脸书提醒了我，去年的这个时候，我收到一封既有意义，又有推动里的信息。那时候，我做着和今天相同的事情 — 念书。都是在筹备考试呢！

那份关爱，依旧暖心。谢谢当时给我鼓励、扶持、将爱传递给我的你。因为那是我跨越且成为一个更好的自己的一大步。没有你，这段路会更坎坷…

一年后的今天，我还是很想你。

一年后的今天，我也收到很重要的信息。我还没打开邮件。但我知道，那是一个，新的开始。

Uni Life

It was my last lecture class in my undergraduate study. When it is over and the lecturer told us that there's no class tomorrow, I know that everything has come to an end. And I shall ready to put a full stop on my degree life very soon. 

I took some picture with my friends. How I wish the camera can capture all the previous moments I had with the friends around. 

I was quite rebellion and avoiding in socialising once in the past. But this bunch of people I met changed my perspectives towards friendship and socialising. I become more open, and I enjoy chit chatting with them inside and outside the class. I've never thought that I'll love this, but in fact, my emotions and inner voice told me that I enjoy being with them. 

Other than academic related, interacting and understanding people are the biggest lesson I've learnt in three years time. My viewpoints have been extended, and become wider as I meet more and more people in my life. As people said, no much people come to your life and stay forever with you, but everyone appears in your life would give you a lesson before he or she leaves. This is so true. 

I met people who inspired me; I also met people who ruined my plans. I've been hating those people who pushed me down and been criticising me at my back. But I recognised that it was part of my growing life, and it was probably my own perceptions and judgments. Perhaps, there's no one trying to push me down nor talking my bad at the back. Even if yes, it is no longer important. 

Once you've released your stresses and the feeling of dislike, you are free. Although it's hard. Life is always full of challenges. But we shall practice not pushing ourselves too hard and holding on so much that we can't handle. 

Thank you, to those who inspired me throughout the journey. 

Ended

I think I'll miss the people I met here so badly after I officially completed my study here. 

3 years of degree life. Just a blink of eyes. 

Ended. Here.

How would the future look like?

A slice of bread

When you feel hungry at night, 

And trying to grab something to fill the stomach,

Then you saw a loaf of bread on the table.

Here you grab it,

And eat it.

A slice of white bread. 

Then, continue to do work.

It was my little boy's favourite last time. He will do any trick, including sit, shake hand, stand up, go home, out, come and stay, whenever I said: "Rocky, eat roti."

When I mentioned about how smart he was, in terms of following the instructions given, I remembered I used to "dance" with him. It has been a long time since the last dance.

夜深人静时  可有人听见我在哭

灯火阑珊出  可有人看见我跳舞

能不能再为你跳一支舞

我是你千百年放生的白狐

•

能不能再为我跳一支舞

只为你永别时的那一次回眸

-今生今世却只能虚度-

The third week you left me

Able to manage my emotions better

But I do really miss you

That my tears drop again

Infinity

When somebody is so important to you, you will easily associate the person with the quote you've seen anywhere. 

Especially when the person is not around, and he will never come back anymore. Because he has gone to the heaven of God. 

But the second quotation shown above is so true. No time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart, if the two person are meant for each other, and if the two person are so important to each other.

Just like me and you, even if you've gone, but you always live in my heart. The best companion I have in these 7 years. My dear, love you. Thank you.

I truly believe that you're living good in another world. Or perhaps, you're starting your new life all over again. No matter how, you're in my heart. and I will miss you quite some times. Despite of the happening, we shall move on. Be brave and not afraid. Because we are always living together in each heart.

Rocky. Again.

十一月一

十一月一号对我来说是个非常有意义的日子 -

一年前，我和你暂时告别，正式踏上新的旅程。

事后我都不时地想起你。每当我面对一些心烦的事情都会想要和你分享。即便不心烦，只要有新的想法和思绪，我都会迫不及待告诉你。因为我总是想在你心里塑造一个努力成长的孩子。

我很感谢那年里你给了我无限的unconditional positive regards、认同、接纳、聆听、分享、关心和怀抱。让我告诉你，你的时间和眼泪没有白流。因为它们都化成了小小种子，在我心里丰盛的土地上发芽成长。

我很珍惜这段你让我成长，暂定陪我成长的旅途。即便跌跌撞撞，哭成人泪，最后还是站稳了脚跟，踏实地一步一步走。

虽然当中还会走得有点煎熬，偶尔气喘如牛。虽然人生的路途总有跌跌撞撞，任凭他有多么不测，那其实都在给我机会去闯，给我机会学习，给我机会成长，给我机会，再次想起自己其实没有那么糟。
记得好几次的冲击让我不禁地哭着找你，但你依旧冷静地先听我说，再激励我。但我还是秉着要做一个更好的自己这个宗旨，咬紧牙关地步步前行。因为那是我对你的答应，因为那是我对自己的承诺，更因为那是我自己的方向。

感谢我拥有的勇气，感恩成长的机会。我会前行，会为错误进行改变。

一年里，我都希望着有哪天可以很巧的与你碰面。因为我总是有着很多说不完的故事想与你分享。但我知道，其实我需要的，是抒发自己的想法、感受。那是为什么我如此热爱文字的原因之一。只有声音和文字可以让我好好的做我自己。

虽然有好几次，我们很巧妙地碰见。当时遇见你，我都愣了。是因为太开心。我不晓得该对你说些什么，只知道，我还是很习惯地像以前那样称呼你。我很骄傲地告诉你我快乐的事，是因为我想把当时拥有的成就献给你。是你，让我爱上成长这堂课；是你，让我发现自己其实很热爱这门学术。

我忽然想念当时你在我身后连名带姓地叫着我的名字；我忽然想起当时紧紧跟在你身后想要吓你却被你早一步发现我的早晨。

那天我们几乎擦肩而过。但我的脚步自然地退后，左手很自然的轻拍你的肩膀。只因为想让你看见，当时你看的陈美青还有过得很好很好。我们未来得及说话聊天，但我们互相挥手和对对方微笑的动作足以让我肯定说，我们彼此都过得还不错。结果那天我就莫名的开心了一整天。

其实每次看见你，我都很快乐，很欣慰。因为看见你，就像看见了以后的自己。

一年后的今天，很奇妙地，我梦见了你。还是一样，很仰慕你，敬佩你。只因为你是我的天使姐姐。只因为你是我让我更清楚知道，陈美青是一个这样的自己。

一年前的今天，说好要好好前行，努力改变，不再明知故犯。但其实事后还是会relapse，是因为我明知故犯。一年了，够了吗？够了。

我不但想要述说姐姐陪我走过的日子对我来说有多大的意义。我更想把这一天的意义献给在天堂的Rocky。是他让我再次唤醒我心中的明智和双眼。他离开后，我就知道，我应该更在乎的是身边都爱我，珍惜我，真心对我好的人。我不想再明知故犯了。虽然这是以前已经明白的道理，但却要到今时今日，Rocky离开了我之后，才铁下心来，不再重犯。

这个步伐让我更靠近更好的自己。只是这个代价，实在太大。太大。

谢谢这两个人来到我生命里

给我鼓励

给我勇气

给我更雪亮的眼睛和清澈的心灵

让我能做好我自己

姐姐

还有

Rocky

One week, still can't stop to call out your name.

It has been a week since he left me. I can't stop to call out his name. Everytime when I close my eyes, I can vividly visualise the day, when I came home and got the shocking news. I looked at him, lying down and remained unmoved. His body was still warm. I got down on my knee and I hugged him, lied on his body, as closest as I could. I didn't want to let go, because I know it will be forever gone after I let go. I called out his name, saying, "Rocky, good boy. Rocky.", repeatedly.

Until now, how I wish I could see him. Whether it is in dreams, or illusions. I could hug the air, and pat on the air, like how I hugged him the other day. 

No. I'm not sick. I'm just missing him. And going through the grief.

I know it is very hard to understand the deep saddest lie in my heart. Especially to those who had never have a dog as pet. But thank you, my peers. I've received some comforting messages. I replied in very short sentence. Perhaps just a thank you. But I do received your kindness and caring. Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. I just don't know how to respond to this, but I'm doing alright. Yes, I'm alright. *bow*

----

一个星期已经过去… 回忆起当时的情节，眼角还是不经意地掉下眼泪。

那时候，我看着他，躺在地上一动也不动。我抚摸着他，叫着他的名字。我心里想着，我该怎么妥善的面对这个离别。我想着，家人会如何面对这件事；我在想，Rocky临走前他在想什么。我有太多思绪不断在我脑海里碰击。太多，太多。

结果我自然跪下，抱着他，开始什么都不想，只感受那还炙热的体温，抚摸着他，不断呼叫他的名字。那动作让我感觉暖暖的。我努力把自己贴近他的身体，感受和他最靠近的距离。任凭爸爸说着“不用尽，Rocky去找他的好朋友了～” ，我还是呼唤着他的名字，抚摸他，抱着他，不放手。不让爸爸处理他的身体。我什么都不听，只希望可以听见他的心跳。

我不放手，是因为我知道这一次一放手，那就是永远。

事后我不断地强调，没有任何人（狗），可以取代Rocky在我心中的位置。他是一个最棒的狗儿,最好的伙伴，最听话的孩子。或许我太害怕，害怕他觉得走了之后，没有人记起他，想念他，怀念他。

这一刻我多想赖着说我什么都不要，只想要回我的Rocky。像电视剧里的情节一样，哭赖着。只可惜，这不是连戏剧。

闭上眼睛那刻都可以想起当时的画面，那个倒下就起不了身的影子。

我的双脚软弱，

到底死亡来临前，我可以为你做什么？

我多想可以再呼叫你的名字

看着你的眼睛

和那俏皮的动作

你知道吗

我

每次都想呼喊你的名字

Rocky.

It is raining heavily outside. It has been a hot and hazy day.

It makes me think of, it is you, Rocky?
Why is it raining?

If it were you,

How're you, Rocky?
It's fine, Rocky.
If you find that you want to cry, by all means. Because I'm also crying, because of you.
I understand that you are probably missing us. You're probably worrying about us.
Rocky, it's ok and fine. I'm missing you, and worrying about you too.
But Rocky, can you promise me?
Go to the right way that you should go. Let the god, or your peers to guide you, and live happily there. Make sure you're enjoying your life, and doing things that you like. You've done your job here. Really. I'm not sure how's the life after death, I'm not sure if you're still here, or you'll be going through the reincarnation process. Either ways is alright. I just want you to live freely and happily, my little boy.
I promise you, I'll take good care of myself and become more independent. Of course, I will also miss you sometimes. We have our own job and responsibility to be completed in life, you're just finishing much earlier than me. See, you're brilliant.

Go, Rocky. You'll be in my heart. Always.

Cry, Rocky, cry. After the storm, there will be rainbow.
Cry, Jacquelyn, cry. After the storm, there will be rainbow.

Rocky.

A have a little boy dog, his name is Rocky. Nobody else can replace him in my heart. He's the cutest, and the best Rottweiler. 

I keep praying that he is brought to a better place. A place where he feels peace and happy. I hope he can run around in a big garden with his friends happily, without restriction. My dog, my lovely Rocky. 

Rocky, good boy. Do not afraid, and go to the right way that you should go. I believe the superpower will guide you. Go and enjoy your life, and live happily. Don't worry, and I'll take good care of myself. 

Rocky, run! Rocky, run! Rocky, go! 

Rocky, I love you. Good boy, Rocky. 

Rocky. 

Rocky, thank you. Rocky.

Don't wait

Just eat the cone now. =) 

I should had published this post early at the mid of Oct. But something happened, and I kept it back. I can vividly remember, it was 26th of Oct, when I lost my boy. 

You know what? I'm still missing you, constantly. 

How have you been doing now?

I always tell the god that I'm hoping you to live in a better world and enjoy running in a wide field.

I told the god to look after you, and bring you to the right place. 

Rocky, my good boy. I'm missing you. So much.

Yes, there's something that you can't afford to wait. Otherwise, you will lose it, forever. 

After all, the saddest word would be 

"regret". 

Rocky.

My dog named Rocky. He's my best friend. He barked to remind us that there're outsider coming near to our house. He's such a responsible dog. He likes bread the most. He will do any trick to get the treats. He's cute. He's the most handsome guy that I ever seen in my life. Rocky is such a good boy. He did his job in this life very well. He got 9.5/10 in the overall scoring. There's 0.5 mark left. I would like to keep it with me. The 0.5 represents how I would miss him and keep him in my life, and no one can replace his role in my heart. Only Rocky can get it from me. Rocky, please let me hold the 0.5 mark. There's the tie between you and me. 

23/10/2015 

Rocky left me. But he's always in my heart. 

Rocky good boy. 

Rocky sit.

Rocky home.

Rocky shake hand. 

Rocky up.

Rocky good boy. 

Rocky sleep. And God, please guide him, and lead him to the right way. I'll release the 0.5 mark on hand and pass it to you. So that he will go and chase the 0.5 with you. Please lead him. And bring him to the best that he deserve. 

I'll keep him in my mind, my heart, and he will always be missed. You're always be with me, Rocky. Don't afraid, I'll take good care of myself. And I'll become a better and better person. I promise you. Go to find your friend, and let the God guide you to the place. Be the happiest dog, and enjoy your life. You deserve more, Rocky. I hope you'll have better life next. The life that you would like to have. The life, that you wish. 

Rocky, I love you. Thank you. You're such a good boy. Naughty boy. 

善终 • 善生 • 善别 

Rocky, you're so handsome. <3 p="">

<3 p="">

You're always with me

In my heart.

那是一个不能被碰触的痛

暂时无法被碰触的伤痛

要做

就要做唯一

Actually I can't wait

I can't wait to go out and see the world.

Although I know it is lots of challenges and uncertainty out there

But I'm more willing to take up the challenges

Perhaps I know that

life wouldn't be fun without exploring and experiencing

I would like to take it as learning opportunities

That's what I see now

There's nothing more, but learning.

Jiejie

I closed my eyes, and I thought of you. I miss you, and how I wish I can see you. There're always lots of stories that I want to share with you.

After a few minutes, I opened my eyes, and I realised I cried. How I wish I can hug you tightly, and calling you in the way I used to address. But I'm definitely doing well here. It's just.. 

It has been almost a year. I miss you again, Jiejie. 

Remembering I told you that I'll surely cry when I next see you. I was too naive back then. I smile cheerfully, happily, instead. 

Despite of doing good here, unexpectedly, I cried when I thought about you. I don't know why. 

There're some stresses falling behind I guess, and I've been withheld it for quite sometimes. Thanks to the feelings of missing you, it allows me to shed my tears. 

I'm definitely doing good. It's just.. I'm missing you. 

Maeching is becoming a more capable person, who's able to work independently. Remember the drawing of the initial dark room? She's doing her work, silently and peacefully. It's no longer dark. The light is on, and she's always concentrating on what she needs to. Would you pay her a visit? She's walking towards the goal, with the direction of becoming a better person.

一直都很喜欢光良的歌曲

总是觉得他的歌曲都很容易引起共鸣

那年狂乱的时光，都让它留在那儿，吧

考试•篇

这一刻

今天考试，是众多科目中，唯一有mid term的科目。一向来，我考试运不高。特别是上了大学之后。Assignment 和 test 相较之下，我想我会选择 assignment。 我想我不太会做考卷，不管是选择题或开放式题目，我都没能很好的掌握。一来，对于朋友常安慰我说，“哎呀，不用担心。都是common sense。” 这样的话会让我更无奈，因为我没有sense。朋友每次这样说，我就这样回答。换来一串大笑。而来，语言不好。我总是需要很长的时间来诠释我脑袋里的思维。但是在时间的约束地下，真的，我没有办法写得好。

为什么特别提起今天考试？因为这个考试是众多重要科目当中，我最淡定去面对的一科。不是因为我非常有信心，也不是因为它很简单。但事实上，对于越简单的科目，我会越担心。

基本上我只用了三天的时间温习。但温习的过程中，我是如此淡定，如此享受。我甚至感觉自己好投入在温习功课的过程当中。这种阅读，让我有种莫名的喜悦。当下，考试和功课两者让我选，我选考试。

我太爱这个科目了。

考试的最后一刻我还是未能对课文100%地熟悉。但我选择放下，让老师叫我的名字，进班，按着编排的位子，坐下，考试。

坐在靠窗的位置。听着外面雷声隆隆。看着试卷，我作答。

作答的过程中有太多的思绪不断入侵我的脑海。那是为什么我把今天考试给纪录下来的原因。

这一次，我竟然可以对着自己说，眼前这一份问卷都不重要。分数高低也无所谓。最重要的是我从中所学习的知识。我爱它，本是爱他，爱的是他的本，所以我不在乎表面的成就。虽然，有时表面的成就间接中告知了你在背后的努力和付出。但是在这里，我想我更珍惜从我开始认识到了解它的那个过程。那份厚实感。那一份理解的感动。但说回来，如果真的那么爱它，那么很自然地会花更多时间了解它，最后成果必然是高分好评。嗯… 

我觉得自己从来没有如此认真且人性化地思考课文和理论的背后的来源与道理。我想这是为什么我会觉得自己在这三年的大学里都白学了的原因。

但这一科有种让我重生的感觉。重新认识知识，重新认识阅读，还有重新理解读书的意义。

都不是注重于考试，都不是注重于分数，更不是注重于成绩的标签。重新认识知识，真正用心去和课文谈一场顾及内涵多过表面风光的恋爱。

你会爱上它。会。

你需要有爱，愿意撇开内在以外的外来因素。你需要真的喜欢它，对他有兴趣。这是学者所谓的 intrinsic motivation。

爱上它，不就是梁静茹所唱的，“爱你不是两三天… 我天天想你很多遍…”吗？

学生，其实不就可以简单些，选择自己喜爱的。

抛开external factors的眼界。

听你想爱，找你想爱，做你很爱的科目的伴侣，让你收益一生。知识，可以带给你无止尽的价值；智慧，才是伴你一生的品质。

可总要到了最后，大学的最后一个学期才能理解，选择喜爱，比被爱，更容易爱。我是说，选择一个自己喜欢的科目，比一些容易考的科目，更容易上手。对，就是得心应手。

附：我应该拍下考卷的模样……………

Date

看着日历，算一算日子

突然让我觉得有希望

陈美青

你要加油

Stay Calm

Stay in Good Condition

Positive Mood

Keep Moving On

Get burn twice

One of my friends texted me randomly and told me that something can get repeated, like the weather. It will be repeated again and again every year, it is a natural phenomena; but things like relationship shouldn't be repeated. Similar to mistakes or failures in the past, it shouldn't be repeated over and over again. 

It reminds me of I shouldn't get into the same pitfall for twice. 

"四季是个轮回，感情不是。

请别让自己重复陷入同一情感轮回。"

Then I replied my friend, 轮回这回事我可强得很。我经常都会轮回，而且我经常做这种事。因为我不太会秒回。 

哈!

最近学会秒回和轮回这两个词。要学以致用。 ;) 

Thanks, people. Whoever bring me up, and push me down. 

我真的没有办法好好让我的脑袋放空或深思将来的路。心里那股焦虑和担心的心情不由自主地涌上心头，让我忐忑不安。

最近感觉莫名的担忧。我担心着自己的课业。但明明过得好好的，而且也坚持了这么久，还活了下来。到了此刻，最后一个学期，怎么还会感觉无法适应和不能大胆一些来接受课业上的挑战？我不明白。

事实上，我正麻木追求的是什么？

近期，课业逼着自己要去写一份简历。写着那份虚拟的简历，不断让我在想，我到底要追求一个怎样的生活。

看着一份在学校刊登的招聘广告，望着它，写着一份虚拟的简历。怎么我会觉得，在大学的三四年里，我白过了。

我终于明白，自己明明已经达到自己所要求的目标，为什么还会为课业如此的焦虑和担忧。

是因为我竟然觉得自己在之前该学的没有用心学好。我竟然觉得自己都没有学会些什么让自己学以致用的知识。不，应该说，是自己的慧根不够，所以不懂的如何学以致用。

所以现在的我在心里种下了自责感和伤感。是自己在过去的两三年里没有好好地念书，不懂得念书。

我不懂得念书。

此刻，在一些繁重的课业包围的日子里，我特别爱睡。只可惜，睡觉无法让我如愿地逃避挑战，它反倒让我为此而感觉更担忧和害怕。

普通课业；课程纲要；还有我的毕业论文。

老师，老师，老师。脑袋里不断浮现的，却是你的样子。

我可不可以不要那么仰慕你？

爱蔓延

但爱已渐渐蔓延

不管天暗或天亮

当我仰望

都是微笑

#过分爱 ·· 已盲目追随 ·· #

I am

I'm a year 3 third semester student. It will be my last semester, if everything goes smoothly.. I would like say, I miss school, now. 

This sounds crazy, but yes, I miss the school. I also thought I'm crazy, why would I miss a place where the facilities are so poor, a place where students get annoyed when they can't find a parking place with lower charges and get saman in the end due to illegal par. A place, where it doesn't have much food of choice, and there're more to count. But why I miss here? 

I grew. I literally grew here. Physically, (eh sounds abit wrong), mentally and psychologically. Here's the place where I start knowing more about myself, my directions. I got to know a bunch of great friends here. So happened we bumped together and shared the up and down together. We have about 10 in the group, different personality, different attitude towards academic, different view on world and life. We quarreled, we fought to group with people that we would like to work with. But we shared a group identify - no one can replicate who we are, because we are ourselves, and we shaped each other to be a better person in the group. I remembered, at once, I said, if there's a outstanding student in every semester intake in our department, I would say, in our group, each of us are the "legend" in different aspects. It is true. 

They used to tease me when I can't make it for the gathering and outings. To confess, I'm someone who has lots of comments and "no" when they propose an outing. I admitted that I've made lots of troubles, but I remembered one of their words touched me. "Everyone is the group is equal important. For each other." 

Everyone in the group has different story, and I have different story-line with each of them. But the pictures and memories from every story-lines are beautiful. I smile when I recall it now. Despite of the gender, religions and family background, we tried to shared issues in the deep of emotional stage. We tried to be truthful to each other, care about each other (but I think show the least), help each other as much as we could (and I know I'm not that helpful sometime) and etc.

At once I thought intimate relationship is important to me; at once I thought academic result is important to me; at once I thought family is important to me. And so? So what and who cares? Because at this moment, the value of friendship is significant to me. I don't know when the 'experiment' starts, when it got approval from ethics board and what data I've collected from these friends, but the result is significant.

I can see the bond within the group, and I can feel it. But I don't know how long it can maintain, and how many years counting. 

Maybe we lost contact after each other go into different path. Negatively, maybe we no longer contact each other anymore. But I believe, when we look back or so happen, stand in front of the school, we will get to recall all of the old memories in mind. 

Can't predict the future. Can't expect things happen as I wish. 

Live for this moment, therefore I feel grateful and appreciate because I know how important they are to me. 

And it's time to move on.

Shared in Instagram

j_maeching

春夏秋冬

 =')

四季 · 很长、很长

如果春天是花开的季节；但愿那是一个给予自己重新开始的机会

如果夏季是炎日火爆的山坑；但愿那是激励我爆发内在潜能的时机

如果秋天的叶子断断续续地掉落；但愿随着时间痊愈的自己也可以回到本根

倘若

冬天的寒冷让世界都静止；那我希望，

静止的时刻，

我们的伤，也就此静止

让我们归回最初的自己

···

从来，就没有太迟的开始。

=')

可不可以有人帮我传达
我还喜欢你
...

怎么会
...


我
又忽然想念你了
...
😞

发了一场梦，开始反复思考。

最后我说：就是因为失去过，才懂得完整的可贵。

I'm not lost. I'm on the road with no destination; yet, I'll find one along the journey. 

8/5/2015

五月的自己

已忘了当时候，自己发过什么梦…

如果可以重来

可不可以

我们都大胆一些？

I'm on my way right now. To a way without specific destination.