纳闷的午后

在这么令人感到纳闷烦躁的大热天气，一个人上完课的午后其实真的很无聊的。好，真的不可以太依赖他人。不可以逃脱需要自己一个人完成的路。

突然想起那时不断跟姐姐说我多么希望他可以直接告诉我该走的路，帮我写信，帮我这个那个。因为这样一个人的午后让我真切地感觉到那时的失落。我叹气，如果姐姐在就好了。

结果一瞬间，我背着书包，离开了。拿了五十块在手，自己步行去买书。买我需要用到的书。买知识。到了那里，我开口对老板说，PSY319，workplace的… 他翻查了记录单，我无奈地看着他开了一张账单给我（原想可以当场拿到书）。当他要问我要付多少deposit当儿，我直接把手上的五十令吉递给他。他看看我说，“付多少”，我莫名地说，“付完”。他看着我点点头笑着说：“好，一次付完。有钱人的作风。”从他看见我想也不想就递给他五十块到我告诉他付完的时间里，他重复地用“有钱人”来形容我。大约有两三次。其实我是想要当场拿书，要不我准备那五十块在手干嘛。

嗯，给人说自己有钱是件值得开心的事。虽然不是事实，但给人那样说一说也很爽，一下。结果他又让我心情没那么郁闷啦！

Jiejie, I start feeling inferior and I'm almost fall back and repeating the undesired cycle. I avoid myself to touch on that part again because I don't know if I can handle it. Words that you told me hit into my mind all in a sudden. I shouldn't stop myself and avoid myself from being sad. I should let it be, let the emotion release naturally and experience it. But what if I can't handle it? What can I do, what should I do. I gonna sleep over and figure it out. Jiejie.. She is becoming.. She wants to... to be a better-Jacquelyn.

阿牛

这是我塞车塞得最愉快的一次。

平时6点结束的课，我都会无奈地塞在车龙中，和大家一起塞着回家。有时我眼睡，便会不时打打自己提神；有时我会很无奈地看着前方和左右的车，看看那条道路的车龙会行驶得比较快；有时我也会注意四周车辆的车牌，考考自己的数字记忆，要不就会把四个号码各单数地加起来当做简单的数学；有时我会自己跟自己说话，我会想象自己在和某人对话，练语音，学说话，增强表达能力（我知道咋听下很恐怖，但我就是这样在车龙中活过来的）；有时太无聊，就会不时转换电台，听到耳熟能详的歌曲便会跟着哼唱。基本上，对话，做数学，哼唱这三个动作与行为是我经常会在车上做的事情。即使没有塞车，我可以很自然突然说话起来。我知道这样很恐怖，真的很恐怖。因为我会当着自己在和人对话，任何时候，没有预告。我可以述说一个故事，一个想法，甚至心事，我都可以就这样凭空说出。

最近塞车塞得有点纳闷，前几个星期在同一个时间离开学校，可以在一个小时内到家。道路都很通畅，交通流畅地令我惊讶。但上个星期开始，不晓得怎么了，车龙瘫痪地可以让我塞上接近两个小时。重点是平时塞的地方交通还可以走走停停，但以往不会塞的地方却可以让我听够好几首歌曲，加上电台新闻和广告，却才走了短短的三公里。我很纳闷，好无奈。

但我今天却塞得很愉快。我把收音机转到了平时很少听的My fm，正在播放访问阿牛的访问。我听得很愉快，很有画面。让我抹去了塞在车龙中的无奈与失落。对上次，我是在988大人物听到他的访问，也是让我听得津津有味。回到家还把他的访问下载下来，方便在空闲的时候重听。

阿牛是个很有故事的人。我发现在他的歌曲里，背后都有着很青涩的回忆。他每诉说的故事，都很动人。在他分享自己的经历时，我也领悟不少。他是在大马艺人当中，我喜欢的一位。他述说和呈现的方式，从唱歌拍戏，提及自己的家乡和少年情怀到家庭关系，除了感动和真实之外，其实都很有画面感（我想这是因为我会听得很真实和感动的原因？）。来到这他出到的第18个年头，他还可以那么真实地带出当年Sungai Puyu的风景、家里后院被风吹起的芋头叶、第一首学弹吉他的歌曲等等。他那种独特，可以说是没有之一的。我想那是为什么我会喜欢听他说话的原因。

阿牛可以说是我从小就听过他歌曲的艺人。我想很多人也是。当年我会唱着“对面的女孩看过来”；“如果有一天，我有了大肚腩”；“我，在这儿等着你回来”；“我用马来西亚的天气来说爱你…” 到现在比较没那么普及化的作品。十几年以来，他的作品总是很单纯，很纯洁。就是那一种“阿牛的感觉”，都没有太大的变化。我想马来西亚会因为有这么一个阿牛陈庆祥而感到骄傲。

听他说话，我很舒服。这是我愿意塞车，塞更久车程想去听完他的访问的回家路。

祝我自己生日快乐

几十年后我再回首  是否能找回这最初的梦

生日快乐 · 陈美青

I can be your supervisor

This is another mail that keeps me awake at the late night. Normally when I send out a mail, I won't desperately looking for the reply. In fact, if the mail is very important and I'm 'gan jeong-ly' waiting for reply, meaning if the mail is really very important, I won't keep checking and see if I got the reply. I won't click on the mail app button on my phone, and I will resist myself to log in to check my mail when I switch on my laptop. If I do check the mail and it shows a new inbox on it, in which I can read what's the first few words of the reply, I'll hold on and not click on it to read the full mail. I don't know why, but this is my habit. Maybe I think that I'm not ready to read the reply yet, I suppose. Weird right? I'm wondering why I behave in this way while I'm typing..

If I receive the important reply in the early morning or afternoon, I probably will read it at night, when I'm at my quiet bedroom, feeling comfortable and ready to read the mail. In this case, I actually received the reply at night. I'll read the mail next day normally. I was too tired and almost fall asleep that day. But I accidentally and hyper-ly click on the mail and read it. *ouch*

I'm so shocking to get the reply so soon right after I send it out. And the reply surprised me until I still can feel the happiness when I recall the incident now. I end up staying awake although I feel so sleepy because I'm too excited to get the reply from the person that day. 

I don't know whether it is a right and good choice to make the decision, but I keep the faith that when I choose you, I will take the responsibility and I will trust you fully.

14/01//2015

那是最初的妄想，如今却事实在在发生在我身上。从来没有想过，这样奢求的想法会变成事实。又是一个“早已经知道自己要什么了，兜了一大圈还是回到原点”的经历。

我很仰慕你，很敬佩你；同时却很怕你。我记得自己想尽脑子都想不到自己的偶像是谁，最后弱弱地告诉为我做测验的辅导员学姐说我其中的role model是你… 并且乱掰了几个原因。后来想想，其实是真的。没有乱掰。即使真的掰，也掰的有理。

兜了一大圈，最后的选择

回到原点，还是你

其实很多时候，我已经清楚知道自己要的是什么。其实我懂的，很多。

睡醒的记忆

睡觉醒来，突然有好几个画面不断浮现在我脑海里。不是梦，是之前实实在在经历的事情。是一些以往那五味陈杂的记忆。虽然画面断断续续，但感觉却触碰到了心里深处。那些画面似乎记忆犹新。反复的画面，每一眼，每一幕，在脑海里，都历历在目。

我记得有一次坐在姐姐对面，告诉他我生气他的原因

我记得他如何带我到山上，抛离自己的身份和地位看世间

我记得短短的10至15分钟就可以突然开窍，感觉辽阔

我记得那时和你第一次进戏院，你在我背后做了些什么，我当场‘啊’一声大叫

我记得我们一起笑他们，一起安抚他们，大家一起打闹

我记得我就是很在乎每一个关于自己的事

我记得我严苛地要求你一定要做到那样做到那样

我记得你坐在我旁边听我诉说自己的担心与懊恼

我记得你坐在我身旁忽然哭泣，告诉我以往的你如何造就了今天的模样

我记得你怕我怕得第一次和我开会说话说得断断续续发抖

啊，我的朋友，我亲爱的，我的至亲……

往事无论被时间抛得有多遥远，当它浮现在脑海的记忆里的时候，会感觉事情就像昨天才发生一样。

有些记忆太繁杂；有些回忆太苦涩；有些画面太滋味；有些画面太诱人。

是时候，起床，刷牙，开始新的一天。

啊，脑海的记忆，暂时在此停搁吧。

Great present for new start of semester

Dear you,

Thank you my dear. It's the best present that you gave for my new start of semester. It's simple, yet touches my deeply heart. No more crying no more struggling. I smile and I walk forward. 

"If you think you can, you can."

I keep every gifts brought by you carefully. I keep it in heart and bring it along the journey. Thank you for every single presents that delivered to me at the right time. It's so precious. Couldn't be valued by money. Thank you!

"If you think you can, you can =)"

yolo,

Mae Ching • Chen Mei Qing

Wah! So Many Mails?

First time sending mails to multiple lecturers with regard to my thesis research. It makes me so nervous while typing each mail. I have considered whether to email lecturers or not because I haven done research about it yet. "What if lecturers ask me something I can't answer?" "Would it show that I'm not well prepared and give a bad impression?" These questions linger. I struggled.

I keep saying I've no ideas and worry since the day I got the supervisor list. I thought I've done something during semester break, but it seems not. I was blur and panic at that moment. I postponed my plan, paused everything there and I kept dragging. Until last night, I spent some times to sort out my thoughts. Calmly. Steadily. 

In the end I found that I actually got the direction and area to go, it's just that I don't have a specific topic. I actually know something, but not complete picture.

"It's ok and fine. Totally fine.", my senior said. 

Comments and suggestions given by seniors comfort me a lot. I spent some times seeking for opinions from them as well. The experiences they shared are very helpful as reference. End up, I take one step further to do what I think I need and I should do. Here I email so many lecturers in this evening. Gan jeong-ly. Aww!! 

归

虽然看得开 虽然天空如此辽阔

我发现自己总是会有想念归宿的时候

就像候鸟可以飞得很远很远 但也会不时想念着南方

即使飞得再高再远  我始终不忘回头看看那个远方的你

如果你在我身后  我会不时回眸

若你愿意  我会为你暂时留步，愿能带你前行

如果你在我前方  我会不时眺望

若你愿意  我会努力追上你的脚步，愿能与你同行

属于那个心的主人  要回的路

还是没换过

无论雨或晴  请记得都要相亲相爱

你给的无限温暖  才是最美最透彻的爱 <3 

最后  会是当初在总多卡片中选出代表未来的那张卡片吗？

If she has a wish now

She wishes that you don't let her go