回顾；遗忘

刚刚整理文件，发现自己当初写下的文字，是我写给自己，写给姐姐的文章。一篇，很长的文章。看着看着，眼角的泪又滑落了… 

我以为自己几乎忘了当时难过的种种情绪和思绪… 以为自己回顾时会微笑着… 结果对于当时写下的情绪和感觉，依然记忆犹新。回看当时的时候，眼角依旧落下那般忧伤的眼泪。

我再一次想起你拿着我手机刷着刷着，有心地阅读每个字，脸部表情严肃，中半段嘴角却扬上微笑起来… 在放下我的手机后告诉我，“嗯，其实你懂的很多。”

是，我懂的很多。只是有时候，我无法说出口；不想说出口；不肯说出口。

感谢你耐心地等待，细心地品尝我说出口的每一句话，和长时间地陪伴。内心的无助感已经随着耐心、细心和用心的陪伴渐渐地抹去；黑暗和迷茫的画面也已经逐渐地退色。一颗坚韧的心已无形中在成长带来的力量下扎根，慢慢地，缓缓地…

我想静静地看世界。静静地看，可以感受更多… 因为安静的力量，很大。

那般忧伤的记忆在我脑海里游荡；悲痛的感受陷入心底。我没有忘记，也没有遗忘。因为我确实经历过，体会过… 怎么可以就此淡化记忆？

有些事，何必急着去遗忘？

快乐幸福简单

有时快乐，幸福很简单

简单得买下一样自己喜欢的东西送给自己

简单得驾驶在一道又一道不熟悉的道路却没有迷路

简单得在没有预计下到了一个广场去独自走着

简单得自己一个人选择一个餐厅坐下然后深思

简单得经过一间又一间的店，看着人来人往的群众却没有迷失自己

简单得看见不错的鞋子就拿了起来试穿，发现自己穿得真的不错看

简单得欣赏了那漂亮后把鞋子放回原位地离开

简单得边走可以边注意四周的人群争强自己的观察能力

简单得可以耗上一大半天的时间独自在外却没有任何条件地约束

简单，就会感受到快乐，体会到幸福

幸福，就是因为够简单，所以很快乐

快乐，就是在简单和幸福间，找到了自己

19/07/2014

在自己很难过很难过的时候

还能找到幸福和快乐的理由

你很棒

Happy

Some people realize that I'm not doing well these days. In fact, I almost break down due to the same issue. I fell into the hole again. As usual, I cried, saying I don't know, I'm lost, questioning why and why and how. Repeatedly. 

Some people faces came into my mind and it told me: "Seek for help. Ask for help instead of keeping it." Constantly, a voice is there to tell me "Don't worry. You have he, she and them." - my coping mechanism this time. 

The way I reacted this time is different from the past. I choose to tell certain people and I choose to confront. At first I cried so badly. The helpless feelings and negative thoughts struck me. Slowly, it faded, and I'm calmed.

I felt so angry. I put the blame on others and complaint why things always happen in critical time, when I'm having exams. I questioned, how much do I need to bear again?

Slowly, it faded. Instead, I started to comfort people who are concerning. I present a cheerful, steady, motivated, and 'very ok' self. Yet, I was shivering. 

Obviously, my emotions affected me and I tried to control it. Although it's hard, but I tried. Next day, I had nightmare. It's so bad until I tear out. I almost have panic attack in the dream. I was frightening and felt threaten. I tried to recall the details and I wished I could get the meanings behind.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and I decided to put it aside. I choose to focus on what I should do now and I choose to believe. Stubbornly. I flipped through the textbooks, read the text and words. In the end, I enjoyed reading the text as learning instead of for the sake of exam. 

I feel happy in the late night. I have flashbacks when I was reading the text. I saw pictures of how I developed and grew from the incidents in the past and how I build myself up through your supports and positive regards.

I choose to be happy even though the nation is not in the top list of world happiness. I choose to be happy although you might not. Even if you're really unhappy, I hope, and I wish, you're happy. 

我再次把自己沉淀在书海中。我知道，我又有很多话想说，很多思绪。

What would you tell me this time? 

I think about the angel, you again. What would you tell me this time? I start thinking and seeking for support and encouragement. I know I will get the answer and gain competencies through reflection. Even if I fall, I know I can seek for your help or assistance. But I'll learn, I'll learn to handle it myself. I take eveything I learnt from you and apply it throughout the journey. It will never be wasted. 

I choose to be calm and do one thing at one time. I don't act as stubborn as I was in the past, whereby I rush on solving it; but I'm being firmed and stubborn in the aspect of my major concerns now, which is final exam. Jiejie, I'm still stubborn. =) 

I choose to be happy, even though others may not. If you are not happy, I wish, and I hope you're happy. Choose to be happy. If you're happy at this moment, I'm still, happy with you. =) 

甜品

为什么人总是说，心情低落的时候就去吃点甜品吧… 那样心情会好一点… 

我还是不晓得那背后的逻辑。是因为甜的关系吗？可是这理论没法套在我的身上… 因为在我心情不好的时候，我完全不会有那个意识要吃东西，也不会选择吃着甜的食物来舒缓自己的情绪。

一个会让你微笑的味蕾… 

就一个味蕾，让你心情好起来… 这也太厉害了… 

可惜它不会发生在我身上。至少，截至目前为止没有…

或许我不太吃甜品…

从小到大，都很少吃。

几乎每个晚上关灯后都会开始反思当天发生的事情和后知后觉的启发和成长。这是我近期以来做的事情。这个时候总能让我沉淀自己。

It's such a challenging day today. Firstly, I have the research confirmation meeting with my thesis supervisor and a senior lecturer. The purpose of the meeting is to make sure that thesis students are on the right track of their thesis study. It's not graded, but attendance is compulsory. I dreamt about my supervisor for a few times since the day I met her to briefly discuss about my study last week. I dreamt about her two days continuously. Friends are telling me that I'm too stressed, but I'm not. If I were, I would have felt anxious and sweating. Not sure if it's because of constantly occupied by my research studies, last night, I dreamt about being late and had lots of trouble to reach uni, and this is the second time I dreamt about being late for the meeting. But I'm not really worrying, honestly. Many people told me it's just a simple and informal meeting. They went in for few min and everything is done. My friend went in for 3 min, but he only talked for 30 seconds and the rest talked by his supervisor and senior lecturer, where they helped my friend to find out the solutions for the issues on his research. The other friend actually told me that him didn't talk much, but the two lecturers were talking like showing him what is oral defense. Tbh, the two lecturers are just too funny and everyone finds them amusing. They are really cute. Because lots of people find it easy and relaxing, that's why I'm not really worrying, but feeling nervous while walking to the office. It was a good experience and I had good time during the meeting. Although what I experienced and felt is not exactly like what others said. It is more serious and more questions were thrown on me. But I do enjoy the meeting. From nervous, feeling dumb, trying hard to explain and defense to smiling and satisfying when I see all three tick checks given by both my supervisor and the senior lecturer. I feel proud as to be the student under my supervisor. I have fully respect and admire her profession on work. Although it's just the starting journey of my thesis, and I'm not sure if I can produce the work up to her standard and expectations, but I believe she'll be a great and helpful supervisor along the journey. 

After that, I've my last presentation for this semester. It's challenging because I need to act as Pinocchio with OCD. I didn't have much time to practice for this presentation because my group members and I were focusing more on the meeting. It was a good experience as well even though I act like a child and making fun on the stage. Most important is the feedback from the tutors and peers. They actually gave a quite positive feedback on my group performance. I'm glad that everything goes smooth and I can present calmly on the spot. I see some improvements on myself. Not to exaggerate and showing off but to acknowledge the hardwork I've put in. It's a sign of self-approval. hahaha! =) 

16/04/2015

It's a challenging day,

but fruitful.

When you're behaving as a good student, paying attention to lecturer and jotting down the notes, suddenly you turn to the left, and you see a laptop playing Korean show. 

...

Yerr..

Hey. Luckily I don't watch Korean show; but I guess I should try to watch one if I got the time. Too many people around me are enjoying watching Korean show, and Im interested to know why so many people like it. lol. But before that, turn back, face front, continue listening to the lecture and jotting down note.. =/

Purpose

Every beginning of a journey always serves with its purpose. It varies from individual to individual; but that's the motive of life and keep us away from neurotic anxiety.

Everyone and everything in life has its own purpose and meaning. Find the meaning and definite the purpose of doing a job. Then, keep it along the way of achieving and end of journey.

冲动

好几次有股冲动想要说出一些心底话。但还是抽身了。

好几次有意无意的告诉你要一些事情，让你好过一些，让你正面一点看事情。相信你知道，若你用负面的心态面对负面的情绪，负面的情绪只会继续负面。

多次有股冲动想向你求饶。甚至很负面地想拜托你。或许我更愿意屈服。只因为我害怕。真的胆怯。非常。

我傻傻地想对你求饶说着不要抢走我的东西好吗？我没有自主愿意向你低头，只要你让我。我可以承认自己懦弱无能为力不比你优秀。只要你不要抢走。

再想想，其实拜托你，向你屈服，没有自我地向你求饶，那又如何？那或许会让你感觉更难受。

那我可以做什么？帮助你吗？安慰你？还是向你坦白？我没有办法做些什么，因为我确确实实看见你的忧伤。真的很惋惜。

即使心还在痛着，荡漾着那股悲伤，其实还有了一份无奈。我已经不想因此而再次遍体凌伤。

与其把爱握在手心不放，我选择… … 以“已不重要”看待。

已经开始有了新的思绪和心态。这份爱意却依旧存在与持续着。没关系。

-当开始你了解，你已经渐渐错过他。-

晚上，凌晨4点多。累。开始已无伦次中… 

What's the worst?

As long as you do something and contribute on the work to be done, you are not the worst. 

You can not knowing lots of things, but you can't not asking and remain don't know. 

It's always the worst, if you stop moving on and trapped yourself in the darkness. 

Though it's hard, but try to take the courage and move forward.

The crucial factor may be

the motivation to strive for the best.

Late

Another tiring night. Doing stuff non-stop after having fun with friends at night. Hard work will pay off in various ways. Nothing to be lost. 

Can't be the top and superior all the time because there is always better ahead. Yet, there is no perfect in nature, the best things we can always do is trying to do better and better throughout the lifespan. And every moments, you're improving. Self-satisfaction.  

恐惧

短短的几个小时里，脑海不时浮现出一些足够让我感受恐惧的画面和思绪

原来我依旧害怕着心里极度恐惧的画面会在现实生活中的某天上映

那恐惧的画面，不时让我心有余悸

这个恐惧，让我想起了那幅女孩躲在黑暗房间里角落中哭泣的图画

“要是是事实，我该怎么面对和应对呢？” 我问自己

我真的不知道，不太晓得

有人说，只要你一直去想一件事情，渐渐地，无形中就会发生

但是不是不想，就不会发生？

请告诉我，是我想太多、多忧心。

你知道吗？结果我就梦见了似恐惧般的画面。然后我惊讶着，脑袋空白。

放不下。

以为这就很糟糕

谁知后来

还有更恐怖的…

烦在心与脑海；梦在恐惧中

不留意

有时候只要一个不小心，不留意

就会忘了时间在忙碌中

默默地流失

Wrong & Right

There's no right or wrong. 

谁都没有那个资格站在自己的道德理念上批评和评论他人的对和错。