Happy

Some people realize that I'm not doing well these days. In fact, I almost break down due to the same issue. I fell into the hole again. As usual, I cried, saying I don't know, I'm lost, questioning why and why and how. Repeatedly. 

Some people faces came into my mind and it told me: "Seek for help. Ask for help instead of keeping it." Constantly, a voice is there to tell me "Don't worry. You have he, she and them." - my coping mechanism this time. 

The way I reacted this time is different from the past. I choose to tell certain people and I choose to confront. At first I cried so badly. The helpless feelings and negative thoughts struck me. Slowly, it faded, and I'm calmed.

I felt so angry. I put the blame on others and complaint why things always happen in critical time, when I'm having exams. I questioned, how much do I need to bear again?

Slowly, it faded. Instead, I started to comfort people who are concerning. I present a cheerful, steady, motivated, and 'very ok' self. Yet, I was shivering. 

Obviously, my emotions affected me and I tried to control it. Although it's hard, but I tried. Next day, I had nightmare. It's so bad until I tear out. I almost have panic attack in the dream. I was frightening and felt threaten. I tried to recall the details and I wished I could get the meanings behind.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and I decided to put it aside. I choose to focus on what I should do now and I choose to believe. Stubbornly. I flipped through the textbooks, read the text and words. In the end, I enjoyed reading the text as learning instead of for the sake of exam. 

I feel happy in the late night. I have flashbacks when I was reading the text. I saw pictures of how I developed and grew from the incidents in the past and how I build myself up through your supports and positive regards.

I choose to be happy even though the nation is not in the top list of world happiness. I choose to be happy although you might not. Even if you're really unhappy, I hope, and I wish, you're happy. 

我再次把自己沉淀在书海中。我知道，我又有很多话想说，很多思绪。

What would you tell me this time? 

I think about the angel, you again. What would you tell me this time? I start thinking and seeking for support and encouragement. I know I will get the answer and gain competencies through reflection. Even if I fall, I know I can seek for your help or assistance. But I'll learn, I'll learn to handle it myself. I take eveything I learnt from you and apply it throughout the journey. It will never be wasted. 

I choose to be calm and do one thing at one time. I don't act as stubborn as I was in the past, whereby I rush on solving it; but I'm being firmed and stubborn in the aspect of my major concerns now, which is final exam. Jiejie, I'm still stubborn. =) 

I choose to be happy, even though others may not. If you are not happy, I wish, and I hope you're happy. Choose to be happy. If you're happy at this moment, I'm still, happy with you. =)