手表

其实我很喜欢手表，而且每次都需要带着它。但对于手表的设计，我却没有很在乎。我喜欢的是它的本质，内涵，带给我的影响，而不是它的外表。或许外表会占据了很多分，但只要秒时分针可以自动，有着1到12的号码，都会吸引我的目光。

有人说，习惯带手表的人通常对时间的观念很强。但对我而言，我真的不敢高攀自己是个珍惜光阴，可以妥善的安排时间，把每一刻用尽的人。

因为偶尔我会很懒惰，心情不好的时候会泄气，无法自拔的时候会放肆地蹉跎岁月… 

而且很多时候，我还是无法把时间拿捏得准确。我还是会迟到，甚至为迟到找借口。

但我的确很爱手表… 一天没有带上它我会觉得很不自在… 只要一出门，踏出屋子，我就必须要有个手表套在我右手。要不然我会觉得很不自在。

我迷恋带手表的程度可以到达连睡觉都可以带着它… 只要带着手表其实我就会很安心。或许我没能可以很准确地猜测时间，所以我需要靠着手表不时告诉我时分。

又或许我迷恋着它，因为带着它就像有个东西套着我的手腕，不时告诉我，时间的重要性。它套着我，就像一个牵引着我的高人，带我走向更遥远的未来。一个，永远不会停止的未来。

#迟到的张贴

19/7/2014

是，一路以来，我都离不开手表。

#previous post - Faith

"I've faith on you!"  --- Her index finger pointed at me and said so.

I was explaining and reorganizing my thoughts into words and voice. I see you paying attention on what am I talking. 

I think that you're a person who will be touched by words easily. I bet you will be laughing, or maybe touched when you read the words. But I would like to leave it in the end, like you say, you would rather take my words to you later and not now. 

Know what, I'm touched when I heard the sentence from you. I feel the pride. I always think that I'm not good enough, but your words always give me energy and motivate me to move on. I believe that your kind words will eventually assist me in the becoming a better person pathway in my journey.


#previous post
It has been a while since I mentioned about you here. The first thing that I would like to say to you is Thank You! and probably, I miss you! =D You've been helping me a lot in the past few years. Truly, you're my angel.

I'm so grateful to get the similar phrase from another important person throughout my undergraduates life. It's relatively two years apart, from two person whom I respect. Thank you. ;)

It means a lot to me.

有些时候，有些事情

有些时候，一些事情，

不知道比知道好

因为有些时候，有些事情

不知道的打击和创伤会比知道了来得小

#迟到的张贴

一年前的心情。

最近，我还是有这样的领悟。只是我更清楚知道，我曾这么说，其实只是因为我害怕前进。而我，在防卫着自己在感受难过和悲痛。那是需要时间修补的伤痕。

但事实上，这门课，我已经上了好久。让我毕业奔驰吧！

即便退缩，我也会征服。因为一切并没有自己想象地那么可怕。我已经有能够安抚自己，放生自己的能力。

要不然，姐姐的课，就白上了！一年，还是想姐姐。 <3 p="">

#迟到的张贴
这个张贴有点奇怪，当我打开时，只有这个影片，却没有写下任何字。我花了几分钟想想当时放下这影片的原因和心情。


我想我唱过给你听~

不，我记得我唱过给你听。
也记得你的回复。
我记得，都记得。


是我记性太好？还是hippocampus长得比较大？=/
对于一些生命的细节和片段，总是历历在目。就像我现在翻起之前未张贴的帖子时，我可以回想起当时状况和心情。还不由自主地联想起其他事。啊，是个associate link… =P

位子

话说，老师很爽快地让我换位，坐在这个特殊位子，感觉好幸福～ 为什么特殊？因为没有一个人与我坐在同一行。=D

I've been directed to sit on the last row corner seat of the exam hall. To be mention, there's no one sitting on the same row as me because it's not allowed. 

Sitting at the corner allowed me to observe every candidates in the two open exam halls. It's so cool. It makes me feel special and happy because I was sitting alone at the last row, which is initially not available. Hahaha!! 

—回顾考试让我好高兴—

—因为我好喜欢那个特别的位子—

#迟到的张贴
接下来的几个月或是几年都不会再有学术上的考试。我想我应该不会想念考试。但它的确让我有很多可以分享的故事。

原来我曾经是真的因为考试而快乐。就只是换个座位，坐在别人不被允许坐的位子上。我就可以开心那么久。是，现在想起，我还是很开心。

#迟到的张贴 - 等

“没有人的周六下午

听着外面大雨洒落满地的声音

他在等人”

#迟到的张贴

2014年的某月某日，我独自一人，搭巴士到这个地方。当时那一回去学校的周末，让我回忆起太多太多。但同时却又不知道自己在想些什么。

一年后我还记得那时候的情景。我记得那天的日子，记得那天的天气。

若要我再走回去这个地方，我想我不会。

那是因为我害怕。

#迟到的张贴 - 溜

我会

我会爱上这个地方

这个舞台

事实上

我已经爱上它

我想我找到了一个让我抒发情绪和压力的方法。一个可以让我不费太大力气去奔驰，享受迎来的冷风，任我翱翔的地方。如果姐姐再次问我如何处理压力，哭了之后怎么收拾情绪，这次我会答，这里。=) 

我不是害怕跌倒。失衡往后跌的确很痛。但那不至于。我怕的，是跌倒爬起来后，我会看不见。

-----

有一天，我可以自己去玩，自己去放松心情。即使我跌倒晕去，我可以相信那里会有人救我。有一天，我会不怕跌倒，即使我跌倒，我不会晕而看不见；有一天，我会不跌倒，即便我跌倒，我会让自己倒下去。

我期盼有一天，我会溜花式；在此舞台放空流浪。因为每次在这里，我都会不由自主地绽放笑容。我愿意让冷风亲近自己，让它迎面而来，愿意让冷风围绕我，那种感觉似乎能让自己变得更强悍。让心中溶缺成水的围墙，再次结成冰块，形成冰山，不再如此容易倒塌。

忽然在这溜冰的过程和经历中，我发现，很多时候想要进攻一道围墙，无论背后的目的在于更加亲近他人或事侵袭他人家园，都必须越过层层稀薄的云雾，需要无数的勇气的耐力，经历跌倒受伤甚至丧失视力的前进。可惜的是，那个再也不是正真的自己。说到更明一点的是，不断追求心里的渴望所展现的勇气与耐力是值得被鼓励的；但即使是超越自己能力好几百倍的“渴望”却依然麻木地追求，那不是“渴望”，是苛求，因为到最后，不但会跌得整身伤痛，也伤逝了视力，丢失了原来的自己。

原来，害怕，失衡，跌倒，疼痛，头晕，最后看不见；是因为自己已经渐渐地失去自己。

#迟到的张贴

27/5/2015

七个月之后，我还是很爱冷冰冰的空间，穿着一不小心就失去平衡的溜冰鞋，和在场上无人干扰我的时刻。

不晓得自己之前哪来那么多的”思绪“。是reflect太多？还是自己想太多？

我开始发现，回顾以往的帖子，我会不明白自己在写什么… >.<

#迟到的张贴 - 愤怒篇

我碰见了一些人，一些让我五味参杂的人。不晓得该如何诉说，但我发现，在这土地上，人民的素质差异实在很大。

你知道吗？

一些你觉得应该要有的必需品，对他人来说或许是个奢侈品。

在你不断追求所谓对你来说很重要的人事物的时候，他人却努力追求着下一秒生命的存活。

是，我是在说你。

生命的边界极端太大。我们看的总不够透彻。

如果你可经历他们的生活，你或许不可能像你现在如好地活到今天。

如果你再用心聆听他们的生命，你或许会觉得现在所追求的喜爱其实是一种迷茫。

若现在的你觉得某事某人某物很重要，不管旁人对你说着千几百万次让你放手、不要追求物质的享受的理由和道理，你是不会这样随风斩手的。别说你目前所追求的喜爱，对未来画下的目标和志愿，因为你不会知道，在他人的生命里，在土地上另一端的人们却早已意识到，其实他们连下一秒，都不知道会发生什么事。何谈追求喜爱、目标和志愿？

你不会知道你剥削了他人多少的汗水与泪水。因为在你眼里，你看到的，还是那个你想要得到，而且你觉得你可以，你应该得到的东西。因为你已经在意识中自我灌输着那些让你感觉自我良好和舒服的话语。

可不可以在你想要追求任何梦想的时候，想一想你自己的自私。当你口口声声说喜爱的时候，会不会几个月后玩腻了？因为你也说过，让一切顺其自然，若得，即是礼；若不得，便是命。

姑且你得不到但你却说着，“你还是要”，的笑话。多讽刺。多讽刺。

#迟到的张贴
在这旧帖子里，我看见很愤怒的自己。
是为一些事情打抱不平，又同时讽刺着自己，吗？
2015年还有一天，放过它吧。

安静

“有一种爱

叫静静地⋯ 

=) 

如果你看见

可不可以帮我传达给他知道

这是一份，我给予他的，静静地爱

--虽然我的名字不叫静静 

LoL!

SO SALAH --

其实你知不知道这一份静静的爱？”

写于12/9/2015

（终于比较聪明地会track back自己什么时候写的）

#迟到的张贴

原来几个月前的我，就会用静静这个词。

话说，这几天离开了KL到处走走，我说过最多的词句里，应该也包括“静静”。

但我说的是，“你静静”。

到最后，几个朋友破口大说，你的女儿就叫“李静静”！

。。。

ok, 

可以不要吗？

#绝对不可能

#迟到的张贴

“有一个朋友，他很拽的告诉我

我就是有本事

当我不喜欢的时候，我大可以选择离开

当我不爽的时候，我大可以走开

不伪装

不怠惰

不拖泥

说了就做，说到做到

不像他人，说离开，说不想，不喜欢，却迟迟还没逃脱

没有什么不舍得，没有什么怕后悔，也没有什么不安全

很多人这样，这都是自己给的借口

我说，我做

所以最后我要离开了你很想念我

我想说，

这有够王八蛋的

-.-

虽然对象不是我

但是

可不可以不要那么我拽来zat人家

想把你像蚊子那样

再吵

一把给你”

#迟到的张贴
现在才发现，原来我没张贴这帖子。突然想起这个朋友，嘴角不自禁地往上扬。
因为我在想，或许我也曾经说话也那么“拽”。
啊，真好笑。都是小孩的时候…
忘了吧？

看见以前有过这样“拽”的模样时会不自禁地笑自己，
我希望自己已经长大了。

是我太敏感吗？

怎么突然觉得很假？

很假的问好

很假的聊天

很假的预约

很假的关心

让我觉得你不是什么

是想在我身上挖清一些什么

要么我宁可我不知道有些事情

要么我宁愿不曾如此交心谈天

要么我情愿当你是个普通朋友

但我知道，你很好

#迟到的张贴
又是一篇未张贴的帖子。
嗯，原本应该
致一些其实关心我，但却因为你和我防备的人在一起，所以我无形中也疏远了你的朋友们。
因为我发现，我已经渐渐地离开…

虽然现在已经没有当时那么强的想法和感受，但
坦白，却是2015结束前决定做的事。

左手边

曾经，想说把身边的这个位子留给你

*叹气* 

你却从没出席我的喜怒哀乐

这一趟回来，你还好吗？

这一趟一走，我还会不会回来？ 

啊，前一阵子还会写着这样的文字。自己读了都感觉有自己有点在莫名难过。

突然，我想，

“原来我没有回来过，原来我不敢回来

原来我也没有走过，因为我不敢走。”

我知道世界很大，总是需要去闯一闯。

2015剩下一天。未来，我该如何定位？

Don't

I can be social withdrawal from you. Not because of the sign of depression. Just because of our communication channels and frequencies are so different.

I don't see the point being so friend, acting and trying to be close to you. =.= 

Don't you feel tired when you tried to be good and nice to everyone? You don't need to do so. 

Some people will never know you and never try to understand you if they have the bias schema and stereotype thinking on you. 

You don't need to be good to everyone to gain the sense of acceptance. 

There're many reasons of rejection when people never consider you. There're many act of acceptance, but you can only feel and see the sense of true acceptance from one's actions toward you. 

You don't need to try so hard treating people so nicely like showing so much unconditional positive regard when you don't even try to appreciate yourself.

When you're trying to help others, and think that those people deserve your help, think, internally, have you first help yourself by solving issue closely related, like family and your future. 

- You can be good and nice to people around you; but you don't need to force yourself loving everybody. You can be truthful to yourself; but at first you need to accept yourself as who you are. -

isn't

#previous post
I think I must be in a very bad mood while writing the passage. Alright, it should have been published on 30th of September. I'm not sure why it is in my draft file, and I just found out.

Words to myself (from a third party perspectives) at this moment when I read back:
It's alright. I see you feeling frustrated when you were writing that. You must had been holding the feelings for quite some times, and you were trying to express it in words.
It's alright. You're definitely feeling better right now, and you're enjoying who you're today.

Constantly looking forward. Let's go. 

12500

Study aboard.

£12,500.00

想掂？

*Merry Christmas*

未来会怎样
会遇见怎样的人
什么样的情况
多少挑战
怎么样成长

太多未知数

2015还有5天结束
我们会不会说再见
我们又会不会再见

Letter from

Receiving reply from someone whom I admire and love the most is always a grateful thing for me. 

I'm so touched by the words written in the email. 

I was tearing up with a mixed feelings while reading the text. Thanks for the encouraging and kind words. At the moment, I have a strong urge to strive for a better self. 

I remember that a smiley face from someone means a lot to me. I was overly happy when I received the smiley face from the person. My mood immediately became more cheerful at the moment. I was too naive back to be satisfied and grateful about life so easily.
It wasn't a bad issue though. I do enjoy the self where I'm grateful for every little moment happens in my life. I believe that these memories will never bring the same feelings or similar thoughts as I experienced if these incidents were to experience by other people. So it comes to understand that why some people might not understand when I get so excited over subtle things.

Seem like this mail can be a beautiful closing for my undergraduates life in 2015. In line with the ending of 2015, I should put a full stop on my degree life journey. But the continuous growth and improvement of the self will never end. 

Ending a part of the life journey indicates that next challenging journey is coming very soon.
People say, "Life was never meant to be easy."
But

There're always good days in life.
Just like receiving mail from someone surprisingly. With much encouraging words and meaningful texts. It is the most valuable Christmas present I have ever received in 2015.

I shall not stop here.
After the break. I'm going to move forward.
Nobody will know where I go, neither me.
But I shall figure out my direction very soon.

··I'll go far, and do great things.··

"Life is not meant to be easy, my child;

but take courage;
It can be delightful"

 ----------------------George Bernard Shaw

血

-请停止流血-

这是我之前拍下的照片。是的，看着那血迹，实在有点不安和干扰。如果你看到这而感到反胃或不舒服，请你停止看。 it's ok. 

我想，一直没有人发现我曾有不断流血的时候。

或许心理上的摧毁会间接中影响身体的运作。那时候不断心灵脆弱，我的身体也一样不好受。

记得好几次鼻子出血，几乎洒满了纸巾。那时是在上课的时候，我根本没发现。直到朋友问我怎么又流血了。是，“又”流血了。

还有同学很细心，她发现我总是盖着鼻子好久，忍不住问我怎么似乎天天都看我有流不完的血。

我也在想，或许没人知道，我的头，也曾经一直流血。有时会不小心让我挖伤了伤口，又流，愈合，再不经意的碰触挖到，又流，又挖，又流… 这个循环的次数已经多到连我自己都数不清。

但这样的伤从还被人发现。所以不管是表面上的伤和血，还是心灵上的伤和痛，我想，我一直都往自己扛。

从没想过分享，是因为没有对象

不、应该说，我太挑剔于选择我觉得对的对象。

这次诉说，其实也不为什么。反正这个post应该早已publish。事实上，我只想自我看看以前，曾经和受伤的自己。

心疼吗？

疼。

但又能怎样？

我想我曾经有诉说的对象，但都不在。又或者，我把一些都距离千尺。真抱歉了一些真正关心我的朋友们。

如今看看，

那个伤痕，似乎依旧没有办法磨灭。又或者，偶尔隐隐作痛。或许对我而言还炽热，也或者再也没有关系。像已learned helplessness的状态一样，不断自问，“又怎样”。

伤，依旧在

但

等待痊愈的人呢？

我很少真的诠释自己的无奈和悲伤。通常会用个很婉转，却可以理解或明白的词句演绎出我的不安与难过。同样的，我也未能用言语来讲述个个内心的故事。

但我知道，有些很有心的人还是看的懂我，感受到我无形中散发的一种压迫感。

这样幸福的生活，我还欲求什么？

我很感谢。

但始终有人还不明白；但始终有人从未发现

…

一些事

…把想留的留在这个年度…

不想留的都带走

•我要带走那个更好的自己•

Thank you • 感谢

•~ 有种感激，应该勇敢说出口 ~•

对于一些人，我总是显得非常羞涩，没有办法自如表达自己内心的话。很想靠近，却又害怕。对于这些人，他们都有一个共同点，就是衷心让我很想感激的人。

有时我很感谢一些结束的代表，如，十二月的到来。这让我有种莫名的胆量，做出一些我不太敢做，不合我风格的一些事。就像好好地感激一些我很爱，却不敢靠近的人。向他们诉说他们对我而言有多么的重要。

事实上，这些人对我的好都是可遇不可求的。或者对他们而言，对我做的事只是一些再平凡不过的小事，甚至是一些微不足道的事；但他们做的事，分分钟却是对我无比重大的认可和承认。

很感谢我身边有着这一些看似平凡却在我心中有重量的人物。因为你们，陈美青过得更好。

感谢十二月的到来，渐渐地结束了2015的日子，让我有股冲动，说出迟迟不敢说出口的感激。

冲动来了，就要好好把握。把心中的感激，勇敢的说出口。不留道谢的遗憾。

I always hesitate to do something I wished to do. For instance, showing my gratitude towards someone I loved or admired. I guess it's because I care too much about how would they see me after every of my actions. 

Coming to an end always give me a strength of braveness. I challenge myself to do something which I'm unlikely to do, but always wish to do. 

Throwing away the worries and anxieties, I do what I wish to do without much considerations about how people look at me. I just wanted to express my gratitude towards some of the important person at this stage of life. Some people might feel pointless; some people might think that I'm weird to show so much gratitude to someone who didn't do much things to me. 

In fact, nobody knows how much it is for me. It might be very subtle things from others' perspective, but no one knows how much value it is for me. 

Doing things that I like, bravely. Before 2015 ends.  

•—如果你做每一件事情我都需要去猜测和判断更深一层的意思，那么我会很累 —•

朋友很关心我，但我总是摆出一种拒人千里之外的态度。搞得彼此之间的关系没有办法升温，没有更能进一步的促进关系，反倒会疏远。

老朋友总是说着，“你把太多东西收在心里。你那副模样让我不晓得该不该开口问。我在立场，如果你想说，你会说；但其实你是不是在等我问？”

有时候身边的人不是漠不关心，而是猜想太多，迟迟不懂怎么行动。一个需要猜测的关系，很难搞懂。不是真正有心人，这样的关系，早已破裂…

我需要开始接受，其实说出口后的结果，没有想象中摧残。认定了对的人，应该说说心中的话。

“说出口，让我自己更快乐…”，他说。

成就

很不要脸地放了自己的照片

还用了有点cacat（残缺）的华语写标题

是的

时间久了

更让我发现

所有功名背后，都有长年累月的奋斗和坚持

成就，说穿了就是努力和付出累计而成的

会写这段话，是因为当时的我深深感觉到，自己的怠惰和失去动力，让我感觉一身空。一身，想有满足和自豪，但却无奈感受空虚感。只因为，我知道自己不够努力。

深呼吸…

让我以更好的心态面对考试。

即使残缺，但，我从残缺中圆满。

Planners

Here are the planners that I've been using in this 3 years. Tons of papers, notes, and books. My mind was recalling the memories and salient moments I had in these years when I was cleaning up my study table and book-shelf. It means a lot to me. 

Most of the time, I would try to keep many things with me as possible. Even though it has no much value or has been broken, I'll try not to throw it away. That's why the planner in year 2013 can be captured with the year 2015 planner. I do clean up, but mostly, I'm reluctant to throw away the old and broken objects that I keep inside my shelf. Or perhaps, I might not touch it, will never realise its existence until the day I do the clean up and saw it there. Physically, it might not have much value, but I'll still insist to keep it. The reason is simple, it means something to me. It is far away from it's functions, but the memories I had with the objects. For instance, the planners. 

I could think about the cheerful moments and the hard time I had in academic. The single words and notes that I marked down on the calendar reminded me of the important events and those remarkable memories. Throwing anyone of them is like deleting the memorable moments I had in the past. Though some hard time and down moments should be avoided to prevent myself from feeling the sadness and depressed, but after some times, the hardship has transformed to a in-depth and meaningful insights to me. That's the value I see from these subtle objects in my life. 

If you ask me why do it still keeping things that no longer serve as a functional object, I would say, they mean more than just the functions. They are the retrieval cues of my old times memories, and prevent me from getting amnesia. It might be spatially occupied, but I would like my memories been occupied with the ups and down than being empty. 

* Perhaps this also explain why I hardly let go something in life. 

I'm disappointed in you. I thought you've made up your mind and look forward for better and clear direction, but you're not. You're still begging and relying on the back time string, which will never help you in improving. 

Maybe I overly look up on you; I might set high expectation from you. That's why I feel disappointed now. I shall not expect too high? Perhaps. But not really. 

Anyway, it is one side that I see from you. There might be other sides of you that I haven been explored. It's fine. It's far way to make a final conclusion. But I wouldn't make efforts on exploring other sides of you. 

Although it's disappointing, but it's ok. Maybe it's no longer an issue. 

人总是很奇怪。不，应该说，我对于自己的兴趣喜好，很奇怪。

怎么说？

明明自己对本科有兴趣，但却在温习功课时想要画画看小说；明明假期无需赶功课，可以早点睡觉休息，偏偏拖三拉四地到凌晨还清醒；明明喜欢学术做研究探讨脑袋思绪，但在看课本和笔记的时候感觉很耗力而感到疲惫。

怎么总是“明明就… 但却… ” 是我不够爱吗？还是，我本来就没有很爱学术这一块？

不。

脸书提醒了我，去年的这个时候，我收到一封既有意义，又有推动里的信息。那时候，我做着和今天相同的事情 — 念书。都是在筹备考试呢！

那份关爱，依旧暖心。谢谢当时给我鼓励、扶持、将爱传递给我的你。因为那是我跨越且成为一个更好的自己的一大步。没有你，这段路会更坎坷…

一年后的今天，我还是很想你。

一年后的今天，我也收到很重要的信息。我还没打开邮件。但我知道，那是一个，新的开始。