照片

若这是你看到的前景

我会对着你微笑

我会为你找到自己的方向而感到光荣

即便天气变幻莫测

看似阴暗狂风

但或许是相机的效果

我应该要有更多的耐心。耐心。

如果你愿意分享；

我会愿意聆听。

是否你发给我这张照片的时候

是在告诉我你正感受着“当时拍下这张照片”的心情？

你的心怎么看它，你就会看见什么。

•• 天人合一

话不必多说

提及重点

一句成语

既能赢得人心

倘若你也读得懂 

:) 

木积

因为我喜欢另类的玩具

我相信自己不一样

我相信每个人都有他的特别之处

我相信每个人都有他好和不好的地方

我也相信每个人都有他闪烁和发亮的地方

不必急着想要成为谁和谁

不必急着想谁一样赚很多钱

也不必急着超越跑得比你快的谁

总把时间花在看着别人的一举一动

就像是

我管得着谁又和谁在一起了

事实上

我怎能管得着谁的嘴巴又在说谁的好坏了？ ;) 

猪

•• 寻找心灵上的宁静

眼与耳

当你已经懂得用眼看世界；用耳朵去聆听；用心去体会的时候 • •

处处都是闻啼鸟

♒ 停止做个有眼睛却不懂得目；有耳却不懂得闻；有心却不晓得赏的人。

一直还想再补充些什么的。

当我想起了，

在适当的时候

停

舞台

等你准备好

一切舞台都归你

可是

机会是留给已经准备好的人

但同时

不管你有没有准备好，懂得把握时机

看准机会，你就是那个准备好的人

你是否就是那个人？

不，应该问

你是否勇于做那个人？

哭枕入眠

 - 哭着入眠 - 

多久没如此了

哭着哭着就睡了

哭着哭着又醒了

The empty chair 

讲着讲着就哭了

谈着谈着就笑了

明白 · 懂

即不明

也不懂

但心

却知晓

朗

总会遇到一些人

在生命里给你努力与奋斗的憧憬

连同  信仰 · 理念 

带领我们穿越一个又一个成长的旅途

朝阳的阳光

星辰的闪烁

无论黑夜或白昼

心朗

辽阔即在

Terrible

Terrible. Have been spending my time on various areas lately.
Found out that there are numerous areas of improvement in me.
I tried. I did. I practiced.
To master a skill, it requires consistency and persistence.
Consistency and persistence come naturally when there's motivation.
But it may not be the only factor to maintain our behavior.

Interests are there. Positivism is there.
Sources are given. Energy is up.

Meanwhile, there're too many eye-catching events, objects, incidents, things, matters in the surrounding. Everything is an attraction to me.
Attention is switched. Concentration is unsustainable.
Terrible. Terrible.

Oh no. Nothing to do with those fascination things.
I'm not focused. Too much things in the mind. Impatient.

Breath in. 1-2-3-4-5.
                                                                Practice self-regulation, be disciplined; but not self-restraint.

念

这几个星期下来，还是想念姐姐。

几年后，还是想起了你对我的好。

还是姐姐那份关心与陪伴，让我感觉如此温暖。

那个温度，还很保暖⋯ 

It's true. People will forget what you did, people will forget what you said, but people will remember how you make them feel. 

在接近这个冬季的十一月，

我又想起了你。

如果姐姐的温暖能够持续到今天；那么你对我的好也肯定在我心里某个深处种下了一个温带，持续升温… 

这是一种，思念的节奏。

当自己把想念好好的缅怀之后，就会抬头笑着----- 路，还是继续走。

我的生命，会因为这一刻好好的把思念一番，而变得更完整。

Stuck

Again, hardly express some thoughts run in my mind.

- Virtually  • Stark • Influence over • Facets - 

You'll never know what it means.

But who say it cannot be discovered?

I'm not sick. Just not feeling well. On MC day. 

Living my life to the fullest despite of taking off day. 

Halloween

Happy Halloween!

Have a great day ahead!

No matter how many frogs you had eaten yesterday

There's always a great day ahead!

:)

#googlecool

A year

It has been a year since I lost you

Where have you been? 

How are you? 

And it's true. No one could understand how hurtful it is for me to handle the loss of you. 

I miss you. 

And I love you. 

What should I do? 

And what could I do? 

夜晚

告诉我

我应该用怎样的方式纪念你？

And today I question 

What's life 

能力

如果我有能力悲伤难过

也一定会有能力积极快乐

•• •• ••

当我拥有许愿的机会

我说

感谢世界

My Lovely

踏进十月的日子逐渐来临，九月尾的我更加频密地感觉难过…

快一年了，我也没经常记录下我生命里这个重要的他。但心里还时不时地挂念他。我亲爱的你，你过得还好吗？

在你离开之后，我祈求神明带你去到一个草原去，让你可以尽情地奔跑。让神明的力量照亮你，指引你到一个更明亮的地方去… 因为我希望看见一个开朗快乐地在草原上奔跑⋯ 至少当我闭上眼睛，我看见的，是这样的画面。或许那时我想要看见的画面。

因为你的离去，我获得领悟。

我相信在你的一生里，心里都只有我们。你用尽力气照顾我们，保护我们。
而我们心中却还有很多很多人。
就像大众说的，我们拥有很多，但他们，却只有我们。

在我们心中的，一些是真的很亲的人；一些却是我们不应该去在乎的人。而我，就花了我的时间在我身边的人身上。有我的同伴，有很爱我的人，也有不爱我的人。

当年总是听着别人说，我们应该把时间留给在乎我们照顾我们的人身上。听起来没错，也很对。但事实上，这些人未必是我们懂得去在乎的；因为恰好我们往往把时间花在我们在乎却未必在乎我们的人的身上。

来到这个年头，有多少个人不懂得要珍惜身边爱自己的人？有多少个人不知道应该多关心和在意一直陪伴在我们左右的人？又有多少个人把时间留给了不懂你是谁、早已忘了你是谁、不珍惜你、不当你是什么、当你不是谁的谁？

或许就因为你还眷恋着当年那个像口香糖一样牵绊你的事情，但几年后回头看看无伤大雅的事情身上。

但我总是责怪着为什么要用你的离去换来我生命中的领悟…

为什么要你的离开才唤醒我心中的坚定… 

你多年陪伴着我，跟我一起成长，陪我洗车，陪我游街，聆听我，让我在你面前能够更自在的做自己，也让我生活更加安宁，更加安稳。小小的你，却有着大大的力量。保护着我们。

谢谢你也让我们陪伴着你，照顾你长大… 不管你再大，在我心里，还是个小孩。在我心中，最帅，最棒的那个孩子。我心中。的。孩子。

我们什么时候还能再见？

Good boy, Rocky, Good boy.

我真的很想

你。

始终忍不住，又落泪了⋯

如果你问我是否畏惧死亡、

确实，我畏惧。畏惧面对最亲离去而留下的痛。

但我依旧想往这一块去，去发掘更多，懂得更多。因为我相信，领悟会抵挡心中的畏惧。

就和彩虹一样。
色彩，是因为有雨，也有晴。

Sleeping

I know I should be sleeping at this moment. My sleeping pattern has been changing these years. I used to stay awake until midnight, spend time on blogging, playing games when I was in high school years. Times flies and during my degree life, I still hardly sleep slightly early unless it is a 8am class next day. Most of the late time is occupied by assignments and preparation of exam. Maybe not, sometimes I stayed up late to do something, yet not much value. haha! I guess I'm used to write at night. That's the time when I can come out different ideas and insights, I guess. Hah!

Turning to year 2016, I have graduated from HELP. As an ordinary fresh-graduate, I work. It is hard to adjust my biological clock. I have to wake up early in the morning, Everyday, except weekend, thank god. haha! Slowly, I adapt into the working routine. Due to the worries and pressure, I wake up at the mid of the night to check if I've overslept sometimes. I almost wake up at the same time at the mid of the night. I've seen a article mentioning that waking up at different time in the mid of the night represent some emotions that human are facing. I'm not sure how credible the source is, I'm not sure if I could believe it.

We had some public holidays in the past month. The public holiday mostly fall on Friday and Monday, resulting of a long continuous holiday. That's the time when I started to sleep late again. Ah.. This is the habit. As Chinese proverb says, we can change mountains and river, but not a person's nature. haha! It's true. Nonetheless, I believe that it could change if the person has strong determination, motivation and perseverance. :)

One day in the future, I hope I could remember how positive I am. :)

This post should be written last week, when I still awake, at the late of the midnight.... 

刚和朋友吃吃晚餐聚一聚。不知这样的日子吃晚餐，还要跑到老远Subang USJ。认识我的人或许都知道，我是个超麻烦、超挑的人。

通常对于我答应出席这种做完工后约一起吃晚餐是件很难得的事。通常我都会拒绝，但近来被一个朋友训了训，结果发现一些关系，都需要花点儿精力去维持，去修补的⋯

Anyway, 今天要说的是另一个故事。

我们晚餐后到了一个cafe坐了下来。那是一个我比较熟悉的cafe，对于我而言，一点也不陌生。

踏进cafe的第一眼，就被一个画面给吸引。那是一个一个人独自吃着韩国bingsu +toast的画面… 那是一种，让我感觉很特殊的感觉… 我说不上那是一种怎样的感觉。

为什么会被那个人给吸引？单独吃这些韩式甜点是其一（或许我有着一种刻板印象，吃着这一类甜品是，通常不是一个人？或许是我的刻板印象错了。），但更让我目光不时偷瞄的原因则是他那副不管别人眼光，整体上看似稍微有点和其他人不一样的一个男子。

我不是要特地特别指出他那独特的外形，只是，每当我看见一些觉得有缘的人，都会让我不禁想和对方聊聊天。而所谓有缘的，是一种，可能，外表有点独特，或是心灵上带着想被聆听的人。我很难用言语形容出我所想要表达的人的类型。（或许最近很少接触文字，所以变得有点词穷。所以大家，读书看书念书是很重要的！）

说回来，虽然很多时候我想主动打开话题，但却害怕别人觉得不舒服。所以我总是选择在一旁默默地观察和让自己有个可以思考的空间。思考什么？思考一些可以让我有所启发的事情。因为我总是在生命中寻找这些可以滋长我的资源。这是一种天灵大地原有的资源。不偷不抢。能够把它看成资源还是零碎的废物，只是在于一线之，自己的观念。

好，我似乎又讲太多废话了。回来，我觉得自己没有很会说话，所以最后我也没有向前和他说一句话。的确，突然有个人莫名其妙地走向前跟我说话，我会想要这个人赶紧离开，我还是比较喜欢独处。我只是和那两个朋友坐在隔了一两张桌子的地方坐下来，聊废话和吃bingsu + toast。我把自己包装得像若无其事那样地和朋友哈拉，心里不禁问着自己，这是一个怎样的人，怎么会选择这里，这里对他而言是否带着一点意义。那又会是一个怎样的故事？如果那里对他而言有着一种情怀，在那里关闭之后，他该怎么处理这一样的情怀……我的脑海里不断浮现着种种的问号。心里不禁感叹…

或许自己是一个情绪比较起伏的，所以我想到这儿，我就会不禁收回自己。哪怕多一点就让我泪水从眼角滑下。是很夸张，尽然一个那么普通的画面可以让我有着那么多的感受，啊，为什么梁导从没发觉这个我。

无论如何，我真的没有办法很好地诠释整个画面；既也没有能够用优美的文字好好地记录下来。或许这一篇让读的你感觉莫名其妙，也可能是我想太多。

只是，只是，
我不想连这样的可能性也抹杀了。
倘若，几个月里他习惯了独自来到这儿，拥有着自己独处和沉淀的时间；
倘若，只有在这样冰冷的cafe里吃着冰冷的bingsu才能够让他找回一种对他有意义的那种情操；
倘若，他也想找个人说说自己的故事；
倘若
倘若……

在cafe即将关闭前，
我只不想放过任何一个，倘若…

哪怕那是对我无关痛痒的事，
在他心中，却可能是一种切肤之痛的事。

05/10/2016

我们，不可能知道

原位

确实，偶尔会有种无缘无故被莫名且复杂的情绪搞到自己有着一股牵绊的心情⋯

那是一股，既不到属于悲伤的一种忧伤。实际上来说，又没说得上是忧伤… 

或许我又乱了。

偶尔乱撞进了前一阵子的记忆，一段我很重视的记忆。里头却参杂了许多两面的情感。时而让我无法自拔。

总是在回忆里寻找记忆，却又没能好好的把它放回原位。这样的思维模式其实很危险，一个不小心就会把“以前”和“现在”所经历混淆。

谁不知那已经不能拿来做较量，谁不晓得？

幸福

虽然人类是个群体动物，
但是有时候，
我需要个人时间，
非常需要。

其实我应该很感谢

我的路总比别人走得好

虽然偶尔有点碰撞，但我终究去到该去的地方

即便我跌得再伤再狠，身旁总有对的天使出现在我身边，让我事后回顾觉得很安慰

所以我越来越感恩

这生来，我的确很幸福

- 当我越来越敢去探讨自己；越能让自己更了解自己；越能跟自己对话；越能让自己听见自己的需求；越能透过不同的方式解答自己的疑问。能够拥有这样的自我对话能力，我感激。

Stop

We were playing some old school games -- "the train" and "the egg"
:)

-- Even my friends are fed up with my trait of overly care about what others say and how others look at me as an individual. 

It was a public holiday yesterday. Gratefully, I got to meet up with friends and spent sometimes together. It has been awhile since last gathering. 

The topics that we discussed couldn't run away from job and future direction. I guess these two could be the main issues that we, as fresh graduates, are facing now. 

Knowing that I'm one of the individual who stucks in the mid of the junction, I tried to disclose myself to the bunch of my friend. Even my friends are fed up with me because I always cared about the judgement and the labelling that I got from others. 

It's true. I shall move to the direction which can lead me to my goal. Taking others' words as a guideline is fine, but overly concerns about other people's perspectives and judgemental would slowly make me become a slave...

想

或许没有一辈子，但至少当下是如此的significant. 或许不只是说的一句话，而是彼此的原意放在心上的交心… 让我感觉如此的欣慰。

谢谢你让我用这样的方式去爱你⋯ 

再也不管是否真诚，不管是否傻气；

我需要自己去寻找那个对自己最对最真的信心，而不再是从别人获取的安全感⋯ 

越想越思念；越追越感觉遥远—

我又再次想起你… 微笑地想起你… :) 

很

想念你

你的心有多大

人生的舞台就会有多大

能够开阔的视野就越广

照片取自：988 DJ：彪民

在这种深夜的夜晚总有种种的思绪不断地刺激脑袋里的神经⋯ 在家凭空休息的日子总让我觉得自己应该为下一段旅途做些准备功课… 

而现在的我已经开启了新的一段旅程… 人家都说，开始总是最难走的一步… 对，很难⋯ 我一直说，自己败给了自己的情感… 我对以往的一切都太眷念了！而我也不时地在比较… 明知道不应该，却无意中比了下来… 

我清楚知道自己需要的是什么… 写了篇简短的文章想给你… 那是一篇，我希写完之后我能得到抒发的文字… 虽然还有很多担忧和恐惧，但我想以真心和真诚地写出你在我眼里有个特别的地位… 或许我很傻，或许我很天真… 

没事。我记得友人对我说过，生命会找到出口的…

20/6/2016

结果16年的八月，我的生命是否又找到曙光了?

会想念

有时觉得没有很想念

时而看回去 

才会发现很想念

想念

真的想念

现在走的 

是不是对的

向前走

沿路的风景

我学习

微笑 学习

满足

都怪自己为了满足自己的味蕾，放纵地喝下杯热咖啡⋯ 

12.19am 这时刻，我想睡，但却睡不着觉⋯ 

这是一种，任性的后果⋯ 

而我现在却处于，想睡却睡不着觉；想延续拼凑思绪却无法集中注意的状态⋯ 

August

It has been sometimes since my last update. I wanted to post something as there're always insights / thoughts coming into my mind. But those are coming in rapidly until I couldn't capture it into words. Spending too much time on reflection but end up getting nothing. It is either I refuse to go into my deeper thoughts / inner voice, or I get distracted by others. Time is so limited for me. Perhaps it is just an excuse.

I just want to type anything that came into my mind quickly before I lost it. Hence, the sentences might not be so relevant after one another.

Before I forget, I would like to take this opportunity to, firstly, thank someone. Not sure why but I think of this person recently, and really want to say thank you. Just a simple thank you. To whom, to the person who read this. I know you would read this, and you will never miss anything that I wrote here, for years. Not much, just a simple thank you to you. Hope you are doing well there and enjoy your life there. :)

Secondly, I really have so much to voice out and I would really like to take some times typing out everything that kicks into my mind. I just lost somewhere and somehow, I have too much disturb thoughts until I keep telling myself I'm lost and I don't know. But I believe that I will go back to the right track and I'm going back to the right track, or I'm already on the right track.

People told me I have been too harsh to myself. Am I? I never realise until more and more people are telling me that. I have been forcing myself not to do this and not to do that instead of acknowledge the happening. I have strong sense of responsibility until the guilt is planted in my heart when I couldn't perform what I think I should / what people expected me to perform.

I have so much dreams at night, and I guess I'm getting closer and closer to my unconscious thoughts.

What would it be.

This is a messy, unstructured updated post, really.
I will keep it update. I will.

I'm afraid

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you will forget me after few years, just like you cant remember the lady. (Even now, the anxiety due to the thought of losing you  is still there. Although it's no longer that strong, but the worries are there.) 

I guess I couldn't take it if I really lost you in my life. (But in fact I can, I think. I have to, eventually, isn't?)
Yes, I understand that people come and people go, no one would stay long.
But I have been treating you as my friend, even part of my family.
I cherish you. (You may or may not know how much I cared about you. But it's ok.)

I hope we get to share more about our lives when we meet up.
I wish we could have the chance to share each others' stories.
I hope someday we get to spend the time together, and share our deeper thoughts and feelings as I would like to know you better.
I wish we could spend a little of our time on simple greetings to each other (because I feel warm if some of my friends did that to me) and
I hope we will get to spend the time together in doing anything like travelling.

But this may, or may not happen at all.

Nonetheless, I'll embrace the feelings, and accept the fact that I value you instead of telling myself not to care about you so much due to the fear of lost. (Did I? Did I really do what I previously wrote? Seems like until now only I'm able to realise that I've been in the denial state and avoiding myself from being overly attached with you.) 

This post was originally written in early of July. As I realise that there's no any update post for July, I insist to post up some update for July due to my obsessive personality. (...) are some words that I just added when I read back to what I wrote earlier. 

Since when, I would be able to do it..? 

Pause. Rethink. Continue.

I stop telling myself « I'm wrong » , « I shouldn't » . I embrace the feelings and every thoughts that came into my mind, then I tell myself, « it's ok » and. « it's alright ».

I got to know that there are some distruptive thoughts that would slowly kill and destroy our mental strengths. I also got to learn the link between thoughts,  feelings and behaviours.

I understand that our thoughts are so powerful that it could play a big impact on any part of our body, whether it's physically, psychological or mentally. That's why, I have never underestimate the power of my mind. 

As I grow, I realise I'm someone who has lots of thoughts that play in my mind. And as I grow, I realise I enjoy transfer the thoughts into words that easier for me to recognise my inner voice or subconscious desires. 

Nonetheles, I realise not everyone has so much thoughts and never take the time to process and think about how some random thoughts play a role in their life. Maybe I'm slightly sensitive over every thoughts or any random phrases that come into my mind. I feel uncomfortable if I don't pay attention to some of the thoughts that came into my mind, whether it's positive or negative. 

I think one of my weakness is that - I get overrided. 

Like the recent incident, I have been telling myself stop to do this stop to do that because I think that I shouldn't behave that way - to avoid myself getting hurt and sad. I feel that I'm restraining myself from doing lots of things that I wish to do, but to avoid some undesired consequences, I have to step back. It sounds right. I should step back and control myself in order to get rid of those negative consequences. 

But guess what, the more I tell myself «no this» and «no that», I feel relatively uncomfortable. It seems like there're too much «no» in my mind, and it leads me focus so much on the problems - as like why it happens, and what should I do to avoid it from happening again. 

I was pretty annoying and fed up when I hardly ask myself «not to do this» and «stop to do that». I realise that I can never solve it and I'm spending so much time in such inefficient ways thinking how can I avoid those undesire consequences. 

I started to accept the fact that, what is meant to happen will happen. I allow things to happen. Not to stop it, nor avoid it. Im no longer stopping myself from doing so much, no longer telling myself so much «no» anymore. I decided to take the courage to do what my inner voice and what my real thoughts have told me. This may sounds stubborn, but yes, people say, you'll never learn how to stand if you never fall. I do believe that some negative or undesire incidents should happen in life so that we can learn from there. 

I change. I change and I decided to tell myself, « it's ok », « it's alright ». I can do things that I wish to do. It's ok when there's negativity in life. It's alright to feel sad and down when thing doesn't happen as we wish. In the end, I still gain as I learn how to overcome it and I can see how things work when I change my mindset. 

People say, when you allow things to happen naturally, you feel less stressful, you have less to worry about. 

Although I'm still wotried that undesire consequences would happen on me as I'm allowing myself to do things that highly cause it to be happened, but that's me. It's the time for me to see what I've been invested is the right choice. 

Again, it's ok to miss someone; it's ok for me to value the relationship even though I may not know if other party does so. It's ok. It's ok if the result doesn't turn as how I wish. It's ok, and it's alright. No matter what happen, it's ok. 

Maybe I'm naive. But I'll still love you and miss you. Simply because I cherish you,I value you. Thank you. 

Quick Update

Seem like it has been sometimes since the day I could stay awake until this time.

I spent sometimes to clean up my table, rearrange the books and utilities that spread all over the table. I realised I have long time never sit down, taking the papers / books and pens to write down some notes or insights that I used to do in the past. It seems abit strange for me, but I sense some old feelings - I have my own place and do my own work, quietly, peacefully.

I remember I don't like to work in the environment whereby there's noise. Most of the time, I would sit down alone, and keep myself at the corner to avoid any distraction. If I were in the library with my friends, I would choose a seat whereby I can see my friends, but not too close with them.

I used to do work alone. I used to keep thing with myself. I used to be like that. 

K. K for King. 

不好做

那天在社交媒体上流传一个影片。那是播着一个韩国明星唱着一首台湾歌曲⋯

我没有追韩国连续剧，但我大概知道影片当中就是最近很红的男演员 — 宋仲基。他在舞台上唱着田馥甄的“小幸运”。虽然他的发音咬字也没有很清楚，但是台下的人还是听得非常投入。个个少女的脸上似乎都写着“幸福”两个字⋯ 

 在唱完第一段的时间，宋仲基像是松了一口气，他“呼”一声⋯ 然后他站了起来。 哇！他似乎穿了轮鞋，还在台上转了转⋯ 

我心想，现在的明星，不好做啊⋯ ＿ ⋯ ＿

每一次遭遇，都是一种练习

想有一本书名做开头，那是一本我在网上看见亚力妈分享的一本书。对，亚力妈。我不是一个常跟随明星或是网络红人的人，但偶尔还会关注一下他们一家的生活⋯ 书名写着：《每一次挫折，都是成功的练习》⋯

最近的心情起落，思绪不间断地在对的时候与不对的时候刺激脑袋细胞… 

终于来到了星期五，感觉这种情感应该告一段落… 很多时候，不是说要告一段落就告一段落的… 但庆幸的是，我真心觉得，对，是告一段落了。

虽然我并没有遇到太大的挫折，也没有过得很坎坷的历程… 只是在路途中牵涉太多自己的情感，让我觉得很多难舍难离… 

书名给了我另一个思路。说穿了就是每一件不理想的事情都是推你向前的动力…听起来很简单，像是在说废话… 但要如何战胜这样的历程，才是关键。

对于我而言，了解自己的本性是关键。当我越了解自己，越勇敢地去剖析自己的人性和人格的时候，我就越容易对症下药，让自己度过这种忐忑的心情。

事后，我知道 —••

每遇见一件事，即便那些事情让自己再难过再担心再紧张再慌乱，我都知道，这些不安的情绪都是让我成长，让我做一个更好的自己的历程… 

或许我总是要学会离别的一课。

•• 每一个再见，都是为了下一个再见。

就像作者写着：

•• 每一个挫折，都是成功的联系。

同样的道理。

拍拍肩旁再次对自己说一声『生命会找到出口的⋯』

做了一个大众人都支持和鼓励我的决定

但我却没有因此而感到更完全的松懈

没有人可以预知每走的下一步是不是对的

也没有人可以知晓，下一站的风景会更美丽

或许身为凡人的我

真的应该只在乎和满足于当下的生活

珍惜自己都有的一切

回头望望，我都有尽我所能

只可惜，未能付出更多，看到小成绩就得先说第一轮的再会

遗憾，未能陪你走得更长，更久⋯

我总是向往自己能够与你一起渡过很多很多

只可惜，我却没有…

但我总是希望，凡事不会只限制于此，我更希望，我们能够一起走，一起看，更不一样的风景…

这已经不懂是第几次，我告诉自己告诉身边的人说：我越长大，就越小孩。真的。真的。

能够成长在你的溺爱中，是我感觉幸福、快乐的时光… 那样的温度，真的让我感觉好暖心，好暖心… 

今天睁开眼的那一刻，我想到的，便是你。

很想你… 

会很想你… 

我已经开始想念你…  

Angel heal

I'm missing my angel. 

Haven been thinking about my angel for some times, but I never forget how she brought me up and company me during the hard time. 

After all, despite of the ups and downs, I realise that the only thing that can heal me is the angel I met in my life. 

Like now, it's another turning point in my life journey. I've been struggled and cried to myself. End up I had a dream about the angel again. 

The calmness. The love. The warmth, 

Never. Never fail to heal. 

重思

“我一直都很感激自己的生活和生命。因为我知道，其实，我很幸福。”

最近的脑袋都在思考着关于前方的路。一路以来，我都是个非常清楚自己去向的孩子。自小就告诉自己，我想念这个，我的路要这样走，我需要这样，才能怎样。渐渐长大，从自己身上，我发现做人需要有目标，要懂得自己要走的去向。只要有了去向，就不会迷茫。

所以当年的我，在自己的脸书上写着“人生需要有目标，因为有目标，就懂得该走的路。那么在分岔路口时，就不用担心会迷失方向。” 

所以在很多同伴都在犹豫不知道选什么科系的时候，我一点都没有迟疑，也不在乎别人怎么看，怎么想。事实上，我不但是个固执的人，而且还很我行我素。我可以很冷酷，也可以很无情。

我想我大概也没有给很多人留下很好的印象。或许也会有人觉得我很不对，对人对事总是太无情。

对啊，我是很无情，可以很无情。我的生活为何需要你来认可。
这是一个很自我的思绪。

或许你不知道，再如此坚强如此无情如此冷酷的身躯背后，是一个等待闪烁的孩子。

————————

或许当下我不晓得自己该往哪儿走，但我知道，我一直都很幸福。

我相信自己是一个有自我想法，对生活依然充满憧憬的孩子。所以，我一直都很感激自己的生活，与生命。

自己

“我从来就没有想过停止书写的习惯。我在想，为什么写部落格似乎渐渐地被埋没。当年众人纷纷地在部落上分享这个，纪录，日记。但走到今天的，却没有多少。” ————

记得自己曾经说个，这里像是我拎一个家。我想，这是我心灵的家。

或许生活渐渐地忙碌，人群渐渐地走散。但我也不曾离开这里。我在想，这是一个让我觉得可以抒发自己的思绪和情感的地方。虽然。偶尔我不能100% 地把我的所有都反映在这里，但很多时候，遇见大小事，我想到的，就是把它纪录下来，张贴在这儿。

每当自己心情有点动荡，生活有点领悟，思绪有点混乱的时候，我都会回来这里。不时回来这里看看自己之前的生活旅程，回来看看偶尔路人给的评语。虽然很多时候会听见别人说：“别人说什么不重要。最重要的是你活得自在，快乐。毕竟接下来的路还是你自己走的。”
对，我赞同每个人都应该做自己生活的主导者。事实上，我在这所写的都是有关自己的心路，但我也不忘听听身边的同伴、长辈、甚至是路过的贵人的说辞。或许我能写在这里的，都是一些想要被聆听，被发现的的故事。不，也不应该说是被发现，更多时候，是想要抒发自己，纪录自己曾经也经历这样的旅途。

我总是习惯回头看看。

不知不觉，我已经把自己的思绪转换成段段的文字好多年了。我不晓得是什么因素让我可以持续书写我在生活中领悟 、体会到的种种这么多年。或许我喜欢文字，或许我不擅长把思绪转换成话语，或许我这是我从小就有写日记的习惯。或许，我喜欢那种默默地抒发，也期待有天会被发现的一天。

我忽然在想，会有什么原因让我放弃；是什么原因会让一个人选择停止经营这个曾经 很流行的部落。为何当年念书时期，众人纷纷地在部落上分享生活、故事、日记、心情等。但走到今天，所剩的却已经无几。

是什么原因又会让我在这里书写情绪这么多年？
当年是什么冲动，什么原因让我决定开创这个属于我心路的部落村庄？

我已经再也想不起。

我只是记得，不管外面风雨多大，生活旅途有多岖崎，我需要的——总是沉淀自己，许可自己，抒发自己的情绪和调整自己的思绪。
而抒发和调整最佳选择，就是把所有看不见的情感和思绪，转换成精简的文字和泪水，回到这里，一一呈现。

多年之后，我已经知道，这是一种，属于我的，
整理自己的所有的方式。

孩子

“谢谢你一直在陪我一起成长… 栽培我，灌溉我 —— 让我成为一个更优秀的孩子。谢谢你，因为有你，让我又见证了，我一直都是个很幸福的孩子。” ⋯

或许我把自己包装得像个孩子… 或许那是你（们）都把会把我当小孩那样宠爱的原因… 害怕我压力难过，担心我受不住离别… 所以你（们）花了我时间在我身上，安抚我，鼓励我，安慰我，陪伴我。

谢谢你。 真的很感谢有你。我从未想过在磁场上会遇见一个这样的你。


很多人告诉我，这个世界很现实。外面的社会不一样。但我却不想去想着那些现实的背后。

或许我很单纯，真的很单纯…
请你让我继续相信你对我的疼爱，让我继续成为一个孩子… 有一天，我一样会茁壮成长，让你骄傲… 我答应你，我会飞得很高很远… 让你曾因为有我，而感到无比感动和骄傲… 只因为我真心把你当成了我的朋友，甚至是家人…

我不擅长说话。

你知道吗？
你是我最放不下的…

I don't know since when, I have a strong attachment with you. 
Perhaps you don't know, I love you, as like how much you sayang and care about me, purely.  

天暗 • 天亮

已经好久没有天暗时回家了⋯ 

渐渐地觉得自己应该长大，还有许多事情等待着我去探索成长… 

对于长大这件事，是我需要知道的。

随着时间像溜冰鞋那么快地流逝的时候，

我更晓得，

陈美青，你要好好地，好好地成长。

是时候眺望未来，勇敢前进。
继续向前走吧，孩子。

走

“不知不觉我已经走了那么远。如果我没有转回头，我不会知道，原来，我已经走远了。“

那天在街上走着路，我望着前方，寻找熟悉的车子和车牌 -- 在等着熟悉的人载我回家。我总是很习惯地往前走，直到我看见该上的车，便会走上前去开门。那一天，我走着走着，我突然回眸。当时的我才发现，不知不觉中，我也走了那么远。短短的几分钟，我尽然可以从一个起点走到接近尾声的路。

很多时候，我们都习惯了不停地往前冲。或许是因为人们都告诉我们，面对困难，我们要的是勇敢前进。我们都被教导说，上天把一扇门关了，必会留扇窗给我们。因此，与其徘徊于伤悲，倒不如我们选择勇敢面对，从扇窗里得到阳光，从黑暗走向光亮。

但又很多时候，我们只注重于勇往直前，却忘了回头看看自己最初的那个目标。在不断前进的当儿，我们很容易迷失方向，觉得疲累，感觉麻木。我们很多时候都处在麻木追求的路途中迷失自己。

那一天，我回眸看看走过的路。

嗯，不知不觉我已经走了那么远。如果我没有转回头，我不会知道，原来，我已经走远了。我也不会知晓，越毫无目的地往前走，我们不断会失去自我，更会对前方感觉冷漠。

如今我已经走到这里，比起那是害怕多顾虑的自己，现在的我，多了一份安稳和安慰。我懂得以更稳重的心态面对，也懂得自己在整个过程中，不但遇见更多不同的人，更加看清外面的世界，而且，成长了。

Today my life begins

I remember this song was recommended by one of my friend, who doesn't always show up in my daily life, but will definitely show up when he found out that I'm facing some difficulties in my life. He is someone whom I don't need to worry, but knowing his is there to give me some thoughtful insights or suggestions when I need it.

Been facing lots of challenges and difficulties in the past few years. It was one of the most difficult time I've gone through. I couldn't express myself. End up keeping everything with myself. Knowing there're people there and willing to help me out, but I just refused and keep myself away from the hands out there.

I used to be someone like that. Yes, I am.

This song really helps in healing the wound. Even now. I feel so uneasy and worried sometimes. This happened when I entered a new chapter of my life journey. Been stepping into the so called reality world for two months, exactly two months. There're lots of adjustments in my living style.

Learning process has never end. I keep adjust and adapt into the environment, with a strong yet raw heart.

Sometimes I think about the old time.. Thinking about the up and down in the past. I realised the so called 'hardest time' I've been through is just a small challenges. It wasn't as tough as I thought - as I grew and become better from what I've gone through in the past.

Thanks to close deadline set and the different lecturers I've met - I'm able to work so independently and become so result driven in my career development now.
Thanks to the educations given by my parents - I'm able to manage myself and be discipline in every new setting where the superiors valued.
Thanks to the ruthless rejections and objections voice from anybody else - I'm able to become stronger and more individualistic, as to prepare myself to the reality world.
Thanks to the hard time and - I'm able to understand the meaning behind every up and down, and get to become a better person in my life.

Things happened for a reason. I believe.
No matter what happen, there're ways to tackle it.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

I will break the chains that blind me

and 

Today My Life Begins.

Thank you the one who recommended this song to me. 

It heals mentally and psychologically sick  people.

"You can count on me like one, two, three

I'll be there

And I know when I need it

I can count on you like four, three, two

And you'll be there

'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah"

................

Spring

Have been wanting to post up some thoughts or reflections that I've been experienced lately.

I wrote something, but yet to be completed.

So I just keep it as a draft.

As usual.

And FB reminds me of the start of the spring.

I've fond of things that represent 'new' or 'beginning'.

For instance, first day of the month, first day of the week.

Same goes to the first day of spring. 

Yey..

(Although there're no four seasons in Malaysia, 

But knowing it is the first day of spring still make my day happy and cheerful.)

Been telling myself that I need time to figure out and been allowing myself to practice try and error in the past few months.

It is more than enough.

I guess.

Shouldn't give myself so much excuses.

I believe that nobody understand you better than yourself.

If you don't know about yourself,

how can you expect people to understand you and live up to your expectation?

So once I've decided and found my way, I should go.

Too much hesitation would ruin my progress and probably end up with nothing.

It could go worse.

Get a new start from today.. 

Keep moving on..

···Persistence  ···Perseverance  ···Consistence

She says.

I know my way.

I know my direction.

I have the answer.

Hence I shall move on.

Update

Been going through my life adjustment and trying to adapt into a new environment and culture for the past one month. My life doesn't seem to be a mess, but it is definitely not the life I've been encountered in my past 20 years.

Sometimes, I spend the time thinking about my current daily routine. I'm glad that I've been selected and placed in this position. I've been given a lot of freedom and courage in doing the assignments that I need to be done, I should be appreciate because not everybody there has this kind of opportunity. Meanwhile, I also been given numbers of opportunities, which directly / indirectly beneficial to my self-development.

I wasn't been bombarded with questions about life after graduation. But I did think about it most of the time, and slowly, people around are asking me about that. To be frank, I think I'm not well-prepared yet. I'm still wandering, just like travelling without any direction. This is what I think I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be not knowing what I want to do; what I need to do; and what is my ultimate goal. If you don't even know what you want and what you actually looking for in life, that must be ridiculous. Seriously.

But do I really travelling aimlessly in the life journey? I think deeply.
No. I'm not. I know what I want and what I'll be doing ultimately, and I have the faith that I'll achieve it. But why am I still wandering and being so uncomfortable as like I'm lack of confident? 

Am I?
Am I wandering because I'm seeking for approval - to build up the close relationship to gain my sense of security?
Am I feeling that way because of I'm lack of structured plan - to seek for accurate and measurable plan to gain my sense of security?
Am I feeling lost and uncomfortable because of the uncertainty - am looking for the productivity result to gain my sense of security?


There's something I need to be aware, I guess.

Nobody else knows us better than ourselves. I'm pretty sure about my role and my direction. Despite of the external factors, like seeking for approval and recognition, I shouldn't deny doubt my inner voice. I shall spend time listen on it. Because that's the inner part of myself.

Keep it  up.

一直都很喜欢光良的歌。我相信他的歌曲应该陪过很多80和90后无数个黑夜白昼。

虽然他的歌很容易入耳，同时也很容易听腻。但是厌倦之后，过了一段日子再听回去，又是别一番滋味。而且还会有许多回忆涌上心头。

对我来说，光良就是有种那样的磁性。那并不是每个歌手都有的吸引力。

有些人会觉得他的歌曲总是很相似。那种旋律，那种节奏，那种，光良类型的歌曲。或许有些人会觉得他的演义没有什么突破，但我想、那就是他的个人品牌，他的个人卖点。

撇开曲风，我还是很喜欢他。他就是有一副没有什么表情的样子；在他身上却能感受到一种情感。一种，不是每个人都能散发的情感。

再多日子以后，我又听回这首歌。又让我想起上一次唱这首歌的时候… 那一次，不经意地就唱得掉眼泪。

是，每一个完成或未完成的事情，都会让我们成长。如果不是你，我不会曾如此伤心；现在的我也不会更懂得爱惜生活自我成长。

虽然前一段的日子总有点灰，但最终我明白，那是让我成为更好的自己的一堂课。我们都一起成长了。不是吗？虽然我还很努力地长大，每当想起你还是会不离不弃；但我也清楚明白，我们都需要一直往前进。在如此漫长的马拉松里，从我们相遇相识相见相离；最后，我想我们又在不同的地点相遇了。真是缘分？还是巧遇？

感谢我的生命里有你；感谢你曾给我的真心。让我们彼此做一个更好的自己吧。路还很长，让我们勇敢前行吧。

我不晓得你是否还会像我如此眷恋；也不知道另一个你会变得怎样；更不知道你会怎么看我。但都已经无所谓了。当所有都看开，都放下，其实，真正需要放下的，是自己。摊开胸膛，呼吸，接受，吸收，成长。

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已经很久没有驾车了

 已经很久没有驾车了

这一个月以来，这是我驾过最长远的距离。应该吧。

当我开车那一刻，就传来那一把熟悉的声音。是，我习惯驾车听电台。因为我知道，早上的节目可以让我吸收很多资讯。而我却很想像鲁豫那样，做一个每天需要吸收很多资讯的人。而这一个月以来，我知道，我已经很久没有听电台了。

不知不觉，已经一个月了。日子过得如何，还好吗？

其实，我不太懂得回答。

Thank you my friend for the kind words

Initially would like to share it on Facebook as the message actually makes me laugh after a long day. But end up I didn't because I thought there's no much people would like to know what my friend told me and no much people would interested in the conversation between my friend and I. 

Still, I mentioned it here as to update my blog. Haha! This is abit realistic, but yes, this is one of the happy memories created after I stepped into "the university of reality". 

Sometimes, good words make people happy. So why not practice it in life? ;) 

Of course, not too over as it might brought a fake feelings to people. In fact, everything needs to come from the deep heart. The sincerity. 

今天又看到很美丽的画面

一个年纪较大的婆婆走进火车，还拉着小车子，装着报纸等杂物

一个上班族姐姐站了起来，拍拍Aunty 的肩旁：“Aunty, 你坐这边”

每次步行都让我有所领悟。有些画面太漂亮。使我恨不得把当下给纪录下来。只可惜我只能用脑袋的能力，把它都储存在记忆里。

但愿每一天步行，我都可以看到不懂的画面。有一天，我的生活会因为这些生活小事物而变得更有画面。

每一次步行，都让我看见些什么… 就像搭火车的外国人，我每次见到他都会对他微笑，他既如此。那一种陌生人的对望微笑，足以让我心情开朗。生活，并没有看起来的严苛，事实上，生活还是有一丁点近人情的。

每一次步行，我都想感觉到了什么… 就像今天步行回家，路途经过一群人在路边伴奏音乐，有的唱歌有的玩乐器。赶时间的我快速把眼神投入那群人里。嗯，他们多半是有残缺美的队伍；却唱着很轻快，甜蜜的歌曲，甜滋滋的，暖了我的心。

乜人娶到呢个真系够力 !

上training课程 - 剖析人格课程… 老板娘（工作上有个很酷，位子在整个公司的正中央的 事业女性，我称她：老板娘）在教我们怎么应对不同性格的人。

解释的过程中，老板娘让我们互相讲解对方的性格代号，并让我们写下我们自己真正的性格代号。（代号是从测验中取出来的）。因为公司有一位很好的大学朋友，结果他就把他对我的一些人格剖析分享了给大家。

讲着讲着，我亲爱的老板娘用广东话说了一句：“谁娶到这个真的是够力啊”。

哈哈！谁告诉你我是个容易的人 ;)

附：其实最后又发现
1. 我的性格代号被写错了
2. 老板娘最后补说：其实真正这样个性的人，是最容易相处的。 =目

据说，老板娘也是这样的人。

民生

不时会看见这样触动人心的文章和照片

通常这样有关社会民生与触动人心的文章都会比较长

我很少会点击阅读

是因为我知道看了很容易揪心

更会感叹不同国度和社会阶层的落差

但是这篇转发的文字即精简又揪心

我一下就把它念完

此刻，踏入社会

我要更警惕自己

赚钱不是为了荣华富贵

多或少乃是其次

更重要的是能够如何贡献给这个需要被重视、被关注、被关爱的民生

希望我可以做到

我可以

我

要可以

我

可以

谢谢那些然我揪心的故事

个个让我成长的故事

让我更明白和了解

我的定位

我可以

我

要可以

•

•

我

可以